Log Barstools for Dummy Woodworkers

rustic log bar stool

Our research team members run across some pretty doofus posts as they do their daily searches for DotD candidates. Most of them fall into two categories: one is generic posts of "keyword-rich" topics written for general sites like HubPages, InfoBarrel, or Ezine; the other is "on-demand" topics written for the Demand Media Studios (DMS¹) sites. The second group can be especially irritating when some total n00b tries to answer a specific question... sort of like Lisa Wampler attempting to explain "How to Make Log Bar Stools and Preserve the Bark"² for eHow.com, now niched at HomeSteady.com.

Hexagon Diagonals, the Dummy Approach

nine hexagon diagonals

The research team runs across lots of semi-authoritative posts while seeking candidates for the DotD award, many of which involve only small inaccuracies that aren't easily spotted (though we do spot them). We often notice that when writing about mathematics and science, our freelancers fail to get the whole story. They may address a general question with a specific, even unique, answer, for instance. Today's candidate is repeat offender Jess Kroll, who we found attempting to explain "How to Find the Diagonal of a Hexagon"¹ for Sciencing.com. He didn't quite succeed...

Colorado Rocks, the Dummy Version

Geologic map of Colorado

We live by a simple creed here at the Antisocial Network, a creed based on the adage "ask a stupid question and you'll get a stupid answer." We have two additions to that saying: "Ask a freelancer a stupid question and you'll get a stupid answer even though you don't deserve one." Well, some poor schmuck asked the internet "How to Identify Rocks in Colorado" – a demonstrably thoughtless question, if not exactly stupid – and for his troubles, got an answer from Laura Hageman that ranks right there in the bottom ten for stupidity. Hageman's original was on eHow.com, it's now at GoneOutdoors.com (if you care...)¹

Bird House Plans for Dummies, Redux

An open nesting box of the type
preferred by blackbirds

We regularly check the source posts of our DotD awardees to see if they've been updated, deleted, or moved (a bold red entry in our index pages indicates the original has been deleted, though we try to provide a link to the original for your enjoyment at archive.org). We recently ran across one that had been "cleaned off" the site by Leaf Group, but weirdly enough the old link redirected to a similar article written by the same bozo author. Lo and behold, "How to Build a Birdhouse for a Blackbird" (at HomeSteady.com) turned out to be every bit as qualified for the award as the original post by Bailey Shoemaker Richards: as Joan Osborne might say, the "cure" is worse than the "disease"! #SAD

Decks and Trees for Dummy DIYers

Build a deck around a tree

A couple of moths ago we had a week in which we made fun of a group of Demand Media writers who seemed to think that a 2-by-4 measures two feet by four feet (see a sample...). In reality, we suspect those dimensions are the work of a content editor, but anyone who let the CE get away with that is a valid DotD candidate. Speaking of which, that's why we're here: to reward another eHowian, Daria Kelly Uhlig, for blowing it in a post titled "How to Build a Floating Deck Around a Tree" for eHow.com (now at HomeSteady.com).

Making Mortises for Dummies

Mortise and tenon joint

We thought we would take a day away from poking the Leaf Group niches today, and have a look at the content on another surviving (barely) content farm: EzineArticles.com. While eHow allegedly had standards – most of them concentrated on format, fewer on accuracy – sites like Ezine let self-appointed "experts' write anything about anything. That's how the article "Mortising Attachments" made it to the web, compliments of Mary Riverstone.

Cubic Inch Conversion, the Dummies Speak

three-dimensional  figures

An Antisocial Network staffer with a background in education tells us that, when teaching STEM subjects to kids, the KISS principle is essential: Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to make certain that a) your examples are simple and straightforward and b) you don't contradict yourself or the facts of the topic at hand. Unfortunately, eHow's Axl J. Amistaadt (also known as Debra L. Turner) didn't follow that maxim when she attempted to explain, "How to Convert Inches to Cubic Feet" for Sciencing.com.

Amistaadt opens by attempting to explain that inches have one dimension and cubic feet have three:

Computer Resets for the Dummy Cyclist

Bicycle tire size chart – no "codes"

One of our staffers once unearthed a t-shirt that had belonged to his father. The sentiment expressed on the shirt was something along the lines of "Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do." We like that... we like it because the freelancers who think they can copy, reword, and paste anything – and make sense – are, frankly, annoying as hell. Take, for instance, eHow.coms Rocco Pendola, who specialized in bicycles (perhaps because he has an "urban studies" degree?), in the process pumping out utter bull. Take, for instance, "How to Reset a Bicycle Speedometer & Tire Size,"¹ which Leaf Group has helpfully moved to Healthfully.com.

Carbon Fiber Arrow Fabrication for Dummies

carbon-fiber arrow shafts

If there's one thing our staffers have learned over the years of researching DotD candidates for the Antisocial Network, it's that some people will pretend to know anything for a buck.¹ Of course, in the good old days of eHow, there were no checks on abject stupidity – just on format – which allowed some people to get away with posting pretty awful content... like the time romance novelist Laura Hageman tried to convince people that she knew "How to Make Carbon Arrows" for GoneOutdoors.com. She didn't, of course, and it shows...

Picture Window Replacement for Dummies

No stops, no sashes: what now, Marsanne?

Normally, we start our DotD award ceremonies by introducing the question at hand, but today's a little different: we're gonna make fun of the image that accompanies our post. See, the topic of the post is "How to Replace a Picture Window,"¹ and it appears at HomeSteady.com (i.e., a former eHow.com post niched by Leaf Group). Someone, probably not writer Marsanne Petty, placed a photo at the top of the post with the caption "Picture windows allow homeowners to have a grand view of the outdoors" – except the image is of a family sitting on a couch while Mama wields her remote. Dolts!

Golf Cart Fuse Replacement for Dummies

Typical golf cart

Sometimes as our staffer wander the internet – though usually they’re just wondering “WTF, internet?” – they come across freelancers they just can’t trust from the first exposure. Oh, sure, some people are perfectly at home with explaining internal combustion engines but can’t be trusted with skin care, while others are kitchen wizards who couldn’t lay bricks to save their lives. We watch these people, kind of, and every once in a while look to see what they’ve been up to. Yup, today’s nominee is one of them: she’s eHowian Tammy Bronson, who wondered way out of her comfort zone to tell people “How to Fix a Blown Fuse on a Golf Cart” for ItStillRuns.com.

Siphons for Dummy Physics Students

siphon operation

We still haven’t figured out why some people remain eternally clueless about scientific questions. We don’t think it’s genetic, however, we just figure that those poor folks never encountered a really good science (or math) teacher in their educational careers. The fact remains, however, that some people are quite clearly clueless. We realize that you can't expect complete scientific literacy out of everyone, but we sure wish the illiterate ones wouldn't pen freelance "science" articles. By that, we mean people like Benjamin Twist of Sciencing.com, who showed the world his lack of science chops in “How to Siphon Water Upwards for a Science Experiment.”

Geodes for Dummy Earth Science Students

geode with smoky quartz crystals

When it comes to scientific information, a great many of the freelance posts we find at content farms tend to be lacking in some way or another. Much of it contains misinformation that arises from the writer's inability to translate technical terminology (usually in an attempt to avoid being charged with plagiarism). Some of it is... well, incomplete; mostly because the writer didn't know enough to consult multiple references. That's the variety we have today, a "science-y" post that only tells part of the story: eHowian Kathryn Hatter attempting to explain "What Is a Geode?"¹ for OurPastimes.com.

Hinges for Dummy Landlords

door hinges, butt style

Every once in a while one of our staffers runs across a freelance post that, on the surface, seems to contain useful information but – once you've actually read the thing – is the usual freelancer-generated bull. That's what you'll find today, in a HomeSteady.com post by one Kevin McDermott entitled "How to Hinge a Door."¹ The house grammar curmudgeon wants to make certain you know that "hinge" as a transitive verb is not his doing, by the way. He'd be inclined to use the term of art, "hang" a door.

Garage Door Springs for Dummy Homeowners

Move the "cable," Laura???

If you were to ask each of our researchers what trait of self-appointed freelancers drives them craziest, the answer would be pretty much the same across the board. That answer is, "Thinking that having a degree renders them smarter than the average DIY handyman." No kidding: we see this one all the time, especially among eHow.com's stable of J-school, English, and liberal arts graduates. Take, for instance, Laura Hageman, who attempted help some poor bastard figure out "How to Adjust Garage Door Tension"¹ at HomeSteady.com.

Welfare Checks for Dog-Whistling Dummies

Police officer making welfare check

Are you familiar with the term "dog-whistle"? It's sometimes also known as a code word, something that most people will find innocuous while the intended audience "knows exactly what you're talking about." Donald Trump is often accused – correctly, we suspect – of using dog-whistles in those rally speeches. One such politically loaded phrase, dating from the Reagan era, is "welfare check"; and eHowian William McFadden (aka Artesia Peluso? aka Jennifer vanBaren?) jumped right on that dog's back in the Sapling.com article "What Is a Welfare Check?"¹

Finding Footing Depth for Dummies

footing depth vs. frost line

We've noticed over the years that a lot of freelancers answering questions at content farms tend to be pretty literal in their interpretation of the question, particularly when the subject of the question is foreign to them. Take, for instance, eHowian Elle Di Jensen (L. D. Jensen) whose unsuccessful attempt to address the topic of "How to Find the Depth of House Footers" has been migrated to GardenGuides.com, for some unknown reason.

Camper Window Screens for Dummies, Again

Camper window screen

We're always amused to find that two different people have seized on almost identical questions in the eHow.com canon and come up with the exact same (wrong) answer. We have no idea which of these two attempted to answer the question first, but one of them sure looks a lot like the other, at least when it comes to the bogus information. To Charlie Rainer Gaston's version of "How to Replace a Window Screen on a Camper Shell" at Trails.com, we now add the version posted by Tyson Simmons to a brand new Leaf Group niche site, Homesteady.com. Sadly, we can't tell whether one plagiarized the other or the two are equally incompetent...

Buoyancy for Dummies

Buoyancy principles

Freelancers: you gotta love 'em... well, no, you don't. We don't, except perhaps in view of just how amusing some of their bull-bleep turns out to be once you get past the flowery bits generated by all the J-school and Creative Writing grads. Once in a while, however, we run across some who claims to have a BS in science instead of a BA in liberal arts, and we regard their failure to deliver on technical questions with something approaching horror. That's what happened when one of our staffers ran across John Brennan fumbling the question, "Does a Balloon with Helium Rise Higher than One With Oxygen?" which he posted to SeattlePI.com's education section.

Installing a Derailleur for a Dummy Cyclist

Shimano Altus rear derailleur

If you ride a bicycle – not one of those "fixies" favored by man-bun-toting hipsters, though – you've probably noticed a contraption by the back wheel called a derailleur. For what it's worth, there's also a contraption near the pedals, also called a derailleur. Whether it's been trashed in a wreck or you're just upgrading the components, you might want to take on installing a new drivetrain, including a new derailleur. Heaven help you, however, if you think eHow.com's Tammie Painter managed to compile useful "Shimano Altus Derailleur Installation Instructions" in her crapalicious post (moved to SportsRec.com by Leaf Group).

Slope of a Line for Algebra Dummies

If there's anything we here at the Antisocial Network have learned from plowing through the dross of the internet in search of dumbassery – and we're here to tell you that "needles" and "haystacks" definitely don't apply – it's that far too many people with liberal arts educations are basically clueless when it comes to STEM. Take self-described Mensa member Ryan Menezes, proud owner of a BA in Journalism, who completely blew "How to Find the Slope of a Line Given 2 Points" for eHow. Leaf Group has since moved it to Sciencing.com, where some putz classified it as "physics." Huh.

Tractors for Dummy City Dwellers

Ford 8n tractor

If you aren't old enough to remember the show yourself, ask Mom and Dad (or Grandpa) about  the '60s sitcom "Green Acres": a city slicker decides he'd like to be a farmer, complete with a cast of tobacco-spittin' rustics and a Gabor sister. Apparently the Netflix version reached the home of WritEdge author Ellina James (real name Shreya Vishonoi; she also "wrote" at Seekyt), who shared with her readers something she claimed was "A Brief Introduction to Tractor Accessories for Better Farming."¹ Yeah, sure...

Coin Collecting for the Dummy Numismatist

1943 S Lincoln Cent Obverse

As Leaf Group spreads more and more of the eHow.com canon around to niche sites, the Antisocial Network research team keeps coming across familiar names in "new" settings. The sad fact, however, is that the content doesn't change (except, sometimes, to get even worse) – it's still the same drivel written by the same unthinking crew of "contributors." Today's DotD candidate is one of those familiar names, ten-time winner of the award Larry Parr, whom we found expounding on "How to Buy Coins Wholesale"¹ for some silly place Leaf calls PocketSense.com.

Angled Shelves for Dummies

Angled (ladder) shelves

Freelancers who wrote for Demand Media Studios in its heyday as a content farm were required to provide a biography, in about thirty words, that summarized their writing expertise and/or educational background. Since there was no fact-checking of these biographies, heaven only knows how many (or how few) of them were based in reality. Take, for instance, one Ryan Menezes, who claimed to be a member of Mensa. You sure can't tell it by looking at his HomeSteady.com post "How to Determine the Angle for Braces of a Shelf," though...

Acreage for Utter Dummies

one acre compared to a football field

We were checking past award ceremonies the other day and found that the people at Leaf Group (whom we suspect of monitoring this site for useless posts in the eHow.com canon) had deleted a singularly stupid post by one Mallory Malesky, about measuring an acre. The old link redirects now to a post by someone named Paul Lin at GardenGuides.com, a post entitled "How to Calculate the Outside Perimeter of an Acre." Unfortunately, the replacement is no better than the original...

Cleats for Cycling Dummies

Note the lack of "adjustment screws," Cecilia...

We're going quick and dirty today, mostly because we want to get out on the road for the team-building bike ride before it starts to rain.  Almost all the Antisocial Network staffers are cyclists, and a quick 25 miles with their office buds can get the day started just right, Some, of course, are more familiar with their equipment, but by this point most of them are smart enough to recognize the error when someone asks "How to Adjust the Tension on Bicycle Cleats." You can't say the same for Cecilia Harsch and the Demand Media content editors at Livestrong.com, however...

Conic Sections for Dummies

ellipse, circle, cone

When it comes to writing about STEM subjects (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) many a self-appointed internet freelancer is hobbled by a weak educational background. You can reach a PhD in history, French, "communications," or creative writing without having taken anything beyond a token arithmetic or elementary science course in your freshman year of college. When it comes to researching and rewording technical stuff for content farms, many of these liberal arts majors fall flat. Take, for instance, Jon Zamboni¹ (not, we suspect, a real name) from eHow. He rewrote "How to Calculate the Base of a Cone" for Demand Media, and Leaf Group moved it to Sciencing.com.

Drilling Rigs for the Dummy

Drilling rig on land

In case you haven't noticed, the average American thinks he's an expert on the oil business. After all, most of us buy stuff from oil companies a couple of times a week, right? The reality is that the vast majority of the self-appointed experts know next to nothing about anything that happened before they stuck the pump nozzle in their filler pipes... and people like eHow.com's Tonya Yirka are partially to blame. That's because they publish rubbish like "Types of Oil Drilling Rigs" at places like Sciencing.com. Well, in reality, it's Leaf Group's fault just as much...

Moving Sprinkler Heads for Dummies

Nope, no swing pipe here, Dave...

If you wanted to troubleshoot a 1967 Camaro, you might head to Google to look for help. If you ran across a website that went on and on about the EFI and the exhaust gas recirculation valve, you'd recognize it immediately as utter bull. Why? because no '67 Camaro had fuel injection, electronic or otherwise; and no vehicle in the '60s needed emissions control, including the EGR valve. The same thing happened many times across the website called eHow, where J-school and English lit graduates scraped information from the web without understanding it and pretended to help people in need. Take, for instance, "technology sector" guy David Miller, found here explaining "How to Move Inground Sprinkler Heads" for eHow.com... or perhaps not.

Elliptical Machines and Distance for Fitness Dummies

Elliptical machine

A couple of days ago we featured the lousy customer support at ICON Fitness and their NordicTrack division, which got us thinking about some of the stupid things freelancers are likely to say about those machines. Sure enough, we checked our files and found that seven-time DotD winner Greyson Ferguson had attempted to answer a question about ellipticals for eHow: "How to Calculate Distance on an Elliptical Trainer"¹ at Healthfully.com.

Framing Garage Doors for the Dummy Carpenter

Garage door rough opening specs

Wanna build a garage? The fact of the matter is that a garage is a lot easier to build than a house, since you don't have to worry about plumbing, flooring, and nicely finished walls. Heck, you may not even have to worry about insulation or electricity. One thing you will need to consider, however, is framing the garage door. When you start researching "How to figure a garage door rough opening," we sure hope you won't accidentally click on the HomeSteady.com post by Alec Preble.