Bicycle Tuneups for Dummies

Bicycle front wheel bearing

If you live north of the Mason-Dixon line, the spring cycling season is just around the corner. Come to think of it, if you live south of the line, you probably won't hit the road until the daytime high temperature is over 80°, so it's around the corner there, too! Whatever the case, half-assed freelancers are here to explain to you just what you need for your spring bicycle tuneup, at least in theory. If, however, you ride anything more complicated (and/or expensive) than a $130 Huffy with coaster brakes, you might want to look somewhere other than good ol' Seekyt.com, where donnyw1967 (real name William Wallace?) shared his "expertise" in "Bicycle Spring Check-up." 

Donny's expertise. unfortunately, seems fairly limited, given that he expended more page space on repacking the wheel bearings than anything other maintenance step. Of course, that advice is a little off, since Donny tells his audience that,

"...you will need to remove the front wheel and check your bearings. It is quit [sic] easy to do and you can get a bearing packing tool at most auto parts stores that make it a snap to repack the bearings."

A couple of problems there, Don: first, in case you didn't know it, there are bearings in both the front and rear wheels; if you need to repack or replace the bearings in the rear, you'll have to remove the cassette -- not an easy task without a fully-equipped toolkit (got a chain whip in your toolbox, Don?). Second, the hubs and bearing races on a bicycle are a LOT smaller than those in a motor vehicle: auto-shop bearing pullers are generally good for a minimum hub diameter of about two inches, the biggest bicycle hubs are about half that. Maybe motorcyles? The remainder of Donny's advice is just about as useful: check this, look at that, if it's loose, tighten it. Duh: those are checks a smart cyclist performs every friggin' time he or she gets on a bike (though there's a chance that diehard cyclists are on their bikes more times in a week than Donny is in a summer).

The staff cycling expert especially liked this idea:

"Most of the major moving parts on a bicycle have bearings, and bearing failure or lake [sic] of grease is usually the cause of mechanical problems with bikes."

Which he found to be utter bullshit -- but perhaps that's because he didn't buy his bicycle at WalMart. Yes, bearing maintenance is important, but -- except for the bottom bracket -- cyclists rarely have bearing problems. And when they do, the diagnostic is not wobble, it's a grinding noise or sensation. Sheesh. Of course, Donny finishes out his uber-lightweight post by allegedly describing maintenance to the drive train:

"Check your chain and sprockets,make [sic] sure your chain is adjusted properly, apply a quality chain lube and wipe off any excess with a rag."

Run-on sentences notwithstanding, Donny apparently has no idea what a "properly-adjusted" chain is: no self-respecting DIY cycle mechanic would skip evaluating chain stretch, something of which Donny is clearly ignorant. Trust us when we say that replacing the chain, chainrings and cassette on a multi-speed bike can cost  couple hundred bucks – a lot more than Donny saves by having his own bearing puller kit...

Overall, that's pretty worthless advice coming from someone who clearly has no idea what he's talking about. But Donny's a penny-chasing freelancer, and worthless advice is their stock in trade: that's how (and why) the Antisocial Network staff hand out a new Dumbass of the Day award every day.

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