Scotch for Distillery Dummies

Single-malt whisky

Several editorial staffers at the Antisocial Network like to raise a dram or two of fine single malt whisky of an evening in salute to the freelancers out there who aren't dumbasses. We won't bore you with details, but we're partial to Lagavulin, Laphroaig, or anything that non-Islay drinkers claim tastes like cigarette ashes smell. That's why we were dismayed to have our whisky sensibilities insulted by Edwin Thomas, "contributor" to eHow in a little ditty he called "How Is Scotch Whiskey Made?"¹ Oh, yes, the dumbasses at eHow DID call it "Scotch Whiskey," even though Scotland officially spells it "whisky." But that's only the beginning...

Here's some of the other bits of stupidification Edwin and his eHow content editor unleashed on the internet:

"The malted barley or grain mix is ground into flour and then steeped in hot water in a process called 'mashing.'"

Umm, no: the grains aren't "ground into flour," they're crushed (that's why it's called "mashing"). The purpose of this millling process is to crack the hulls of the barley grains.

"This process converts the grain starches into sugars called 'wort.'"

The sugars aren't "called wort," Eddie. Wort is a liquid, the mashing water containing the dissolved sugar extracted from the grain(s). 

"Yeast is then added, which begins fermentation and thus the creation of alcohol. Distillation increases the alcohol content and removes impurities."

It sounds so simple... The yeast doesn't create just alcohol, it also creates cogeners; the stuff that imparts flavor to the whisky when all is said and done. And distillation? gee: how does that work, anyway?

"Distillation produces raw spirits, which are then placed in oak barrels for aging. Originally, barrels used to store sherry were used for scotch aging, but experimentation with different barrels has yielded a complex variety of scotch labels. Some scotches are now aged in barrels that have been used to age or store other alcohols for part or all of their maturation, such as bourbon, port and even beer."

"[V]ariety of Scotch 'labels'?" WTF is that supposed to mean? And Eddie, most whisky is still aged in sherry barrels! It's for damned certain little or no whisky is aged in beer barrels, though: the few beers aged in barrels are generally aged in used whiskey or rum barrels to get the flavors from the liquors – not the other way 'round. Like too many people freelancing for pennies, Edwin knew nothing about the topic before researching it at wikipedia. Unfortunately, he left his readers (of which, we hope, there are vanishingly few) just as uninformed as he was. For sloppy research, poor data, and just plain stupidity, we award Edwin Thomas and eHow today's Dumbass of the Day. Now we're going to go have a taste... If you want to know the real story, here's how Glenlivet distills whisky...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how-does_4571248_how-scotch-whiskey-made.html

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