Replacing a Sump Pump, the Dummy Approach

Sump pump with battery backup

Oddly enough, just a day after the sump pump at our founder's next-door neighbor's house went belly-up, his own decided to go south, too. With fairly heavy rain in the immediate forecast, he knew he had no time to waste and headed for the closest BigBox store for a replacement pump and other supplies. Jeff next door had done the same... Luckily for the two of them, they had done the job before and were not in need of instructions. It's a pretty self-explanatory process, anyway, though apparently some people need help. We only hope they don't try to puzzle through instructions like the ones Kristine Brite "wrote" for eHow.com in "How to Remove a Sump Pump."

People who write how-to instructions for a project they've never performed and don't even understand are exactly why we created the DotD award. Brite gave away her inexperience and lack of knowledge very early, stating in her introduction that...

"Sump pump installers usually place them in a home's basement or crawl space... A broken sump pump can lead to flooding in the basement, crawl space, or even upper levels of the home,"

Question #1 for Brite: If a sump pump isn't in the basement or crawl space, where is it? In the attic? and Question #2, How does groundwater reach the "upper levels of the home"? Dumbass... There's more such dumbassery to come, of course. Kristine lays out the steps for removing the pump:

"Cut the sealant around the sump pump lid, if there is a lid. Or if the lid is attached by bolts, unscrew the bolts. Remove the lid carefully and set it aside. The PVC pipe and power cord run through the lid. Remove them from the lid, carefully cutting away any caulk keeping them attached."

It's been our experience that sump pump lids aren't sealed, and neither are the outlet lines sealed to the lid. Perhaps Brite is confusing a sump pump with a sewage ejector pump? Those are sealed... thank goodness. And anyway, we think maybe the DIYer should loosen the outlet pipe from the lid before removing the lid, don't you? Sure you do: you have a brain. Brite forges ahead with her instructions: "Find the bottom hose clamp and loosen it. The bottom hose clamp attaches to the check valve. Water might come out when doing this. Free the hose clamp from the check valve." If there are hose clamps on the outlet, the one on the check valve is the top hose clamp. It's highly unlikely, however, that there are any hose clamps involved, especially if, as Kristine said, there's PVC pipe through the lid. Dumbass.

Kristine then tells readers to pull the pump out of the sump and

"Take the sump pump outside and clean it off using a garden hose and brush. This sometimes fixes the problem, but it is also helpful for disposal if the sump pump is beyond repair."

We rather doubt that washing the pump will fix it (it's already wet, you see), but we were especially impressed by the abject stupidity of the claim that cleaning a pump simplifies disposal. Thank the gods of home repair that Kristine's done at this point, though. Someone following the sort of half-assed instructions that earned Brite her second Dumbass of the Day award might have burned down the house installing a new pump...

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