How Dummies Build a Chinese Pergola

Chinese-style pergola

We don't know about everyone else, but we find it irritating to follow an internet link to information about something specific and end up with some wimpy general information. That's right up there with bogus "science" and bad "math" when it comes time to choose our next DotD. Speaking of our next DotD, however, here's the nominee for today: she's Linda Marie, who pretended to know "How to Build a Chinese Pergola" for the Leaf Group niche site HomeSteady.com.¹ A little hint? she didn't.

The closest Linda Marie ever came to mentioning anything about "Chinese" was in her introduction, where she used the word several times:

"An eye-catching architectural element for any Chinese-inspired garden is a 6-by-4-foot Chinese pergola. While many different styles can be found to represent a Chinese pergola, an open-lattice work roof [sic] is often its most distinctive feature. While a Japanese garden is known for stark minimalism and simplicity, the Chinese garden is dense with a wide variety of plantings, ornamentation and water features. This Chinese pergola has lines to complement any Chinese garden."

Her blather about garden plantings notwithstanding, Linda Marie's description of a Chinese pergola is little different from a description of pergolas in general. We suspect that there's more to the "Chineseness" of a pergola than "an open-lattice work roof," which is pretty much the definition of any pergola. Perhaps LM could have mentioned the incorporation of curved elements in the design, or perhaps the upswept roof corners. But no, just "an open-lattice work roof." Besides, she'd have had to give instructions for those curved elements...

If she'd stopped there, Linda Marie might have slipped by, but no, she had to do the "instruction" thing. We notice, by the way, that her instructions might build a pergola, but "Chinese"? No way, José. We said "might: because of crap like this:

• "Dig four holes that are 10 inches deep for your colonnades with a post digger." – LM's "colonnades" are 90 inches long. Not only should they be sunk below the frost line, that only leaves 80" of headroom, four inches shorter than a door frame.
• "Cut lap joints into cross rafters and girders using the sliding compound meter [sic] saw. On the cross rafters, put a 1-by- 1.5-inch notch at each end, with 1-by- 1.5-inch cutouts every 11 inches." – Need we say that you can't cut notches like those with a miter saw? and just WTF is a "meter saw," anyway? That's not to mention that she apparently thinks a 1 x 3 is actually an inch thick and 3 inches wide... Idiot.
• "Apply wood glue to each joint using a small paintbrush. Assemble the roof on the ground. Use bar clamps to hold the joints together until the glue dries. Nail all end joints with a nail gun." – A paintbrush? And just what is an "end joint," anyway? Sheesh: what a maroon...
• "Attach the roof to the colonnades, using a nail gun." – Attach it how? set it on top? What? Oh, and if the ends of the "colonnades" project through the lattice, there would be at most 76½ inches of clearance. Better not have any tall friends over, Linda Marie!

Linda Marie had nothing to say about layout; didn't set the corner posts properly; gave incorrect dimensions for those half-lap joints and instructed readers to use the wrong tool to cut the notches; gave no instructions at all as to how to mount the lattice on the posts; said jack about plumb, square, or level; and in general revealed that she knew less about building a pergola than she did about performing neurosurgery or faceting a raw diamond. Oh, yeah, and this thing isn't even a "Chinese" pergola, for that matter. There are so many problems with this claptrap that our chief DIYer suggests a blanket "rejected!" sticker for the page... but eHow.com published it, and it's been out there for about six years. Anyone who thinks the instructions are usable, however, deserves a Dumbass of the Day award just as much as Linda Marie.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_6119022_build-chinese-pergola.html

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