Wood Veneer, a Dummy's Definition

Different wood veneering techniques

We're not certain why an Indian freelancer whose real name is (supposedly) Greeshma Justin would choose the pen name Mary Riverstone. We also aren't certain why Mary, as we'll call her, decided she was qualified to write about woodworking. We don't think so, given that we've already called her out for a ridiculous post about mortising. That was only one of seven posts on the topic Riverstone wrote; today's DotD nominee is more from Mary and EzineArticles.com, "Veneering Wood."

Riverstone, following her usual pattern, grabbed a few factoids from Wikipedia.in and transliterated them to English. Between the "Lost in Translation" effect and Greeshma's obvious ignorance of the topic, the results were pretty hilarious. Here's her intro:

"Veneer refers to thin slices of wood that are fixed to a wood surface usually made of particle board, medium density fiber board etc. Veneer sheets come up to just about 3mm in width."

OK, Justin, you got the "thin slice" part right, but only someone pretty ignorant would call particle board or MDF "wood." Oh, yeah, and that last – "Veneer sheets come up to just about 3mm in width"? We're pretty certain she meant "less than 3mm (¹⁄₈ inch) thick," not wide.

Mary next wandered into the tool shop to "explain" the tools used to make veneers, such as the rotary cutter, which she described so poorly that someone unfamiliar with making veneer would not know how it works. She also neglected to say why veneers made with this tool are "Usually... used to make plywood," but we know it's because the grain is basically ugly. After that, she talks about the veneer saw, which she defines as,

"[A] type of saw which is double edged and has a curved toothed edge. It can be used to cut through a stack of veneer."

We don't even know what that means! She also thinks that a veneer hammer is used to cut sheets of veneer. Oh, Mary! Finally, Ms. Riverstone mangles some fairly straightforward veneering instructions, telling her readers that,

"Before sticking the veneer pieces onto the base timber, it is necessary to ensure that the grains on it are even and the wood is not resinous. Knots should be dealt with properly otherwise they tend to show when the adjoining wood shrinks. Plug cutters may be used on small areas, but on larger areas round or diamond plugs may be used."

Wait, what? This moron conflates the process of making plywood with applying veneer to furniture. Heaven help anyone stupid enough to think that he or she is going to use a plug cutter on veneer for a cabinet door or a diamond cutter when veneering a table top. What a maroon! No, Riverstone did just what she did when she wrote about mortising attachments: she grabbed some article somewhere that she didn't really understand, and merely reworded it. That's exactly the kind of freelancing that wins people like Greeshma / Mary a Dumbass of the Day award. We can't wait until we take a look at her article about trading "baseball pins," whatever those are!

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