Baseball Dugouts for DIY Dummies

typical baseball dugout

Our research staffers turn up some of the most innocuous-seeming topics while looking for new DotD candidates. It makes no difference whether the topic is home repair, mathematics, sports, science, or any of myriad other topics; they're always on the lookout for stupidification of the internet in any of its forms. Today, one staffer's search led her to baseball and "How to Build a Baseball Dugout," an eHow post written by Tzvi Raphael and subsequently relocated to SportsRec.com.

Somewhere in the move, Raphael's DMS-required introduction was lopped off the front, but the original¹ was pretty hilarious. That's where Tzvi informed his readers that,

"The main characteristic of baseball is the fact that it’s played using a bat and a ball."

He also explained, at least partially, that, "A dugout is actually the bench area of a team, located between the first or third base and the home plate. " We're pretty sure that there are two dugouts, but what do we know? Anyhow, after (sort of) explaining the reason for having dugouts (or at least benches), Tzvi launched into his instructions. Those are all that made it to SportsRec,² but they're also all we needed to give him our award. It's instructions like these that caught our staffer's eye in the first place:

• "Dig four holes on each corner of the dugout outline that you marked. The holes should be at least two feet deep." – Shouldn't there just be one hole at each of the four corners?
• "Place one wood post in one of the holes that you dug. Ask a friend to hold the post in place while you pour the cement mixture into the hole. Do this for the rest of the posts and make sure that the posts are level with each other. Leave the cement to dry overnight." – We're confused, Tzvi: what does "level with each other" mean?
• "Connect the wooden posts with beams at the top. Position the beams on top of the posts and secure them in place with screws. Use a power drill to make the holes and a screwdriver to tighten the screws into the wood." – "[On] top of the posts"? Really?
• "Install the roof of the dugout. Cover the wooden frame with plexiglas [sic] panels. Attach them to the frame using roof nails. Hammer in the roof nails along the edges of the plexiglass going through the wood beams." – Hammer nails through plexiglass? Are you sure, Tzvi? Seems kind of "breaky" to us...
• "Install a metal net between the posts so all three sides are closed, leaving the front of the dugout open. Use a nail gun and finishing nails to attach the fencing to the dugout frame." – Attach "metal net" (we think he means "chain-link fencing") with finishing nails? Is this moron kidding?

Raphael has clearly never seen a dugout or he'd know that the front is fenced to protect occupants from foul balls and errant throws. He also seems unaware that there's a doorway on the front for access to the playing field, or that he has absolutely no idea how to use any of the tools he mentions.

And that business of pounding nails through "plexiglass" (Plexiglas®  with one 's' is a trade name), not to mention the finishing nails bushwa? Small wonder the researcher came running into the staff meeting waving a scrap of paper with the URL... We simply had to name Raphael today's Dumbass of the Day!

As an aside, the similarity in Tzvi's eHow bio and those of Aryeh and Michelle Raphael is amazing... are they siblings? the same person with three accounts? Inquiring minds wonder at crap like that.

\¹ You can see the original version (including the introduction) at the archive.org "Wayback Machine" using the URL  ehow.com/how_6739325_build-baseball-dugout.html
² Does this mean that DMS changed their style guide? or just that they hired incompetent people to make the transfer?

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