Schwinn Chain Replacement for Dummy Cyclists

Bicycle chain tool

If the truth be told, it makes no difference whether you're swapping out the chain on a Schwinn, a 99-dollar WalMart special, or a $13,000 custom-built titanium bike; the principle remains the same. Of course, it helps if you know that principle before you try to write instructions for the job; knowledge that renaissance DotD Darla Ferrara clearly lacked when she penned the LiveStrong.com article, "How to Replace the Chain on a Schwinn Bike."

We called Darla "renaissance" because A), she claims to be "an award-winning author who specializes in health, diet, fitness and computer technology"; and B), because she's demonstrating her ignorance in her fourth different category within our pages. That raises a question, of course: why do we think Ferrara's a valid candidate? Well, the main reason is what she said about chain length:

"Count the number of links in the old chain. You need to know how many links your new chain needs to fit the bike. If the old chain has 20 links, the new chain must have 20 links... If the new chain has 22 links, you need to remove two. Use the chain tool to push out the pins for two links."

There is so much wrong with that, but we'll start with the count: chain links are half an inch long; no (rideable) bicycle has a chain 10 inches long! That, and to remove two links from a chain, you'd only need to push out one pin... idiot. Ferrara, however, wasn't done. Here are a few of the other senseless statements from this freelancer:

• "Set the chain into the vise area of the chain tool. Work in an area forward of the derailer or toward the pedals." – It would be awfully hard to work in an area behind the pedals, Darla. Most people suggest working in the bottom of the loop, however.
• "Slide one end of the chain into the bottom gear on the derailer..." – That's called a "jockey wheel," Darla, not a "gear."
• "Once the chain clears the top gear, it is now moving left again onto the smallest gear on the gear assembly that sits in the center of the tire." – Umm, Darla? That's the cluster, sitting on the hub of the rear wheel; not the "center of the tire."
• "Feed the chain over the pedal gear..." – We suppose that's as good a description of the chain ring as any...
• "Join the two ends of chain together. The method will depend on the type chain you purchased. Some chains provide a special pin for chain connection. This pin will be longer. Put the two ends of the chain and press the pin into place. The chain will come with instructions on proper joining." – Gotta love it when freelancers say, "I don't know how to do this, because I've never done it. RTFM, OK?"

Some of Darla's problem is that her primary reference was already 12 years old when she wrote the article, so the author had no idea what a power link is (it's God's gift to bike mechanics!). Most of it, however, is because our Dumbass of the Day was writing instructions for something she'd never done. Wonder if her EMT training covered bicycle safety?

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