Deck Construction Tips by Dummies

Deck Framing

Hmmm... it must be "deck week" here at the Antisocial Network! Yesterday's entry was some putz trying to explain how to repair a deck, but today we're gonna go back to basics and look for some "Step-by-Step Plans on How to Build a Deck." Truth be told, we truly pity any poor Googler (or Binger) who looks for that information and happens to run across the dreck published at eHow.com by Charmayne Smith.

Smith, whose bio at eHow opens with a dangling participle illustrating Charmayne's "writing professionally," is well-nigh certain to have never attempted this particular project. As befits someone with "extensive experience in corporate management," Smith found a couple of reasonably useful resources. It's what she did with what she found at places like Lowes and "Ask the Builder" that caught our staffer's eye. Smith reduced the process to thirteen steps, but space prohibits our regaling with you but all but the most egregious of her errors; errors such as,

"Measure and mark the position of your ledger boards. Begin your top ledger board measurement 2 to 3 inches below your door sill. Mark the bottom ledger according to the thickness of your decking material. Transfer the markings to the edges of your future deck, using a level to ensure accuracy. Partially drive nails at the marks."

WTF does this rubbish even mean: "top ledger board"? "bottom ledger"? Does Smith even know what a ledger is?

"Align a tape measure square to the house, and measure out the determined depth of your deck. Position a batterboard firmly into the ground 3 inches past the deck’s measured edge"

To the "determined depth"? Does she mean "width?" And Charmayne, we hate to tell you this but you don't "position a batterboard "firmly into the ground"! [batterboards are nailed to stakes, Charmayne]

"Affix a Mason cord to one of the nails you positioned on the edge of the house. Walk the cord out to the batterboard, and cut the cord 3 inches past the board. Mark the cord with tape at the point which represents the edge of the deck. Attach the cord to the batterboard. Position the cord so that it meets the house and the batterboard at 90-degree angles."

You found a cord that's a Mason? Any that are Eagles? Idiot: it's a mason's line. Oh, and you forgot that the line should not only be square to the ledger, it should also be level. You do know what "level" means, don't you, Charmayne?  Buried in the text about framing the deck, Smith typed up this scintillating instruction:

"Mark the lengths of your ledger board, ribbon joist and 2 beam boards with a framing square, and cut to the appropriate length, which will be the same for all 4 boards. Position the boards on your sawhorse, mark and cut."

Ummm, no. The "ribbon" (rim) joist won't necessarily be the same length as the ledger, and the ledger won't necessarily be the same length as the outer support beam. And shouldn't Smith have addressed the spacing of joists, dimensions of lumber, and such?

That's pretty much what you can expect when you ask a Dumbass of the Day for help doing something she's never done herself...

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