Building Porches for Dummies

a porch is not a deck

We've long since lost count of the number of times we've run across eHowian contributors who, for whatever reason decide to interpret the assignments they grab in a manner tha makes it easier for them to "answer" them. We aren't sure whether they do so out of ignorance or avarice... but we imagine it;s a combination of both. For today's example, we offer "How Much Wood Do I Need for a 12x12 Porch?" as attacked by Jennifer Tolbert for Hunker.com.

Tolbert's unsuitability to answer the question at hand is made clear in her first sentence:

"The amount of wood you will need for a 12-by-12-foot porch is determined by your deck plans and your experience as a carpenter."

Wait a minute: "your deck plans"? Jennifer thinks a deck is the same thing as a porch? Au contraire, mon frere! Is that what they teach in J-school at TT? Apparently it is, because her ensuing instructions explain that,

"You will need a 2-by-10-inch ledger board if you are attaching the deck to the house. Posts are usually constructed from 4-by-4-inch or 6-by-6-inch posts and you will need at least five. You will need 18 boards of 2-by-6-inch lumber or nine 2-by-10 inch boards to build the joists, also known as the beams. You should purchase an additional 25 percent wood [sic] to allow for framing pieces and waste."

Ummm, no, Jennifer, that's a deck. And what's this bushwa about "18 boards of 2-by-6-inch lumber or nine 2-by-10 inch boards"? Where on earth did you get that rubbish? You need the same number of joists regardless of the width of the 2-by lumber.

Once Tolbert finally gets to the question the OQ most likely wanted answered, she botches it completely:

"A 12 -by-12-foot deck will need 144 lineal feet of decking."

Only if the decking is one foot wide, Jennifer. The linear footage you actually need must be calculated with the following formula:

(width of porch in inches / width of decking in inches) * length of porch in feet
In other words, if your decking is four inches wide, you need 432 linear feet of decking. If the decking is six inches wide, you need 288 linear feet.

Tolbert closes with the rather bizarre statement that,

"You may also choose to add three 1-by-12 inch boards as a skirt board."

Ummm, Jennifer? 1) a porch doesn't have a skirt; 2) if they did have skirts, you'd want to specify a length; and 3) what if your porch is more than 11¼ inches above the ground?

This is precisely the sort of "helpful" instructions written by ignorant freelancers that made eHow the laughingstock of the do-it-yourself world. At least our Dumbass of the Day wasn't writing about how to use a butt plug, though!

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