Tall Tables for the Dummy Woodworker

high top table

A surprising number of queries scraped by the folks at Demand Media seem to be about building furniture. Depending on your level of tolerance for "rustic," just about anyone can slap together some shelves. When it comes to more complex furniture, though, the average DIYer needs some guidance. Woe betide the poor schmuck, however, who wants to know "How to Make High Top Tables," at least if he stumbles across the HomeSteady.com post that Tracie Grimes dumped onto eHow.com a few years back.

The thinking woodworker would probably start by talking about the height of the table. A standard dining table is about 29" tall, one that's counter-height is 34", and bar-height tables are at least 40" tall. Grimes, drawing on her Swiss army knife journalism degree, didn't mention any of that. Oops.
Of course, Tracie was thoroughly convinced that you could go down to your local "home center" and buy a table top, legs, and an apron, and toss them all together. Here's an example of Grimes' woodworking wisdom:

"Measure the apron sizes after purchasing your table legs. Place the legs in the corners of the tabletop and measure the distance between the front and back legs, and between the legs on the left and right sides. These are the lengths of the four aprons you'll use. Make the aprons at least four inches wide."

Ummm, Tracie? just what are these apron thingies? Speaking of the aprons, what does this mean?

"Attach the legs to the apron by placing the tenon (a piece of wood that sticks out from the edges of the apron) in the mortise (a notch cut into the top block of the leg)."

Sure sounds simple. Sure isn't. And how about this rubbish:

"Attach the aprons and legs to the tabletop by placing wood screws through the pre-drilled pocket holes on the top of the apron. Set the aprons back one-eighth to one-quarter of inch from the outside of the legs. Use the screws provided with the aprons."

This moron actually believes you can waltz into your local lumberyard and ask the counterperson for some aprons with pre-drilled pockets and matching screws. Sure you can!
Yep, we looked at Tracie's materials list ("things you'll need"), and there it was: "Ready-made tabletop, Ready-made legs (four legs, 36 to 42 inches long), Aprons (4)..." Strange: we checked Menards, Lowes, Home Depot, and even Rockler. The only aprons they sell have pockets and strings. But what can you expect from someone who says you need a "6-inch square drill head"? WTF is that even supposed to be? And why isn't it mentioned in her alleged references?

Nope, our Dumbass of the Day had absolutely no idea how to build a high top table, and anyone who reads her rubbish has no idea, either!

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