String Trimmer Reviews for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCCXXXVII

string trimmer

Few writing styles are as likely to give our staffers excruciating headaches as the garbage-filled output of spinning algorithms. To be honest, we thought that with the death of pay-per-click freelance sites like Buublews.com and Helium.com, most of the spinners had retired their algorithms and ridden off into the sunset of whatever foreign lands they call home. Not all have retired their software, however: here's an example from that execrable pile of internet dumbassery called SooperArticles.com, another post from the keyboard of "Lawrence Barnett." This one is entitled – and we kid you now – "Trimmer Line Introduces The New." The new what, we can't tell you... even after reading Barnett's copy.

We came here to share some of the bald-faced bullshit "Barnett" pounded out just a couple of years ago; perhaps in desperation (or boredom) during the early months of the pandemic. Without further ado, we'll start by sharing some of the less disturbing examples of Larry's spinner and its database of synonyms:

• "You may definitely realize that a line trimmer is basically a handheld gadget..." – We guess the original said "You probably know..."
• "...for cutting grass and supports." – Beats the heck out of us: "supports"? weeds, maybe?
• "...he made his first patent of this machine; it comprised of fishing line and a popcorn can, that where blasted together..." – Again, beats the heck out of us. A "popcorn can"? "blasted together"? We give up...
• "The gas support [sic] trimmer has... a lash that permits the administrator to 'wear' the trimmer..."– Does Larry mean "a strap that allows the operator"? We think yes...

• "The cordless support [sic] trimmer is an electric rendition of the string line..." – No, Larry, it's a battery-powered version of the trimmer – not of the string!
• "On the off chance that you just have a couple of weeds or lawn to trim..." – Well, we guess you could have a "couple of weeds."

Once he'd finished "introducing" the concept of string trimmers, "Lawrence" launched into a paean to Hover trimmers. Well, in reality, our boy just used his spinner to reword some copy about an unnamed brand of trimmer, in the process making a glorious FUBAR of the verbiage. We'll let you figure out that this crapola is supposed to mean:

"The Hover Kit replaces the grass 'string line', [sic] 'weadwacker' [sic] 'string trimmer string', [sic] with an, in fact, progressed blade which is housed in an efficiently planned, lightweight drift arch that generously speeds up and execution of your old string took care of trimmer transforming it into a substantial string trimmer."

WTF, Larry, WTF!? Well, we did some searching and there's actually a company that sells 'hovering" trimmers with a blade instead of monofilament line. The company does not, however, appear to market in North America; although you can buy a lawn mower that operates on a similar principle. More's the pity, since the post by our Dumbass of the Day piqued the interest of a couple of people in the shop. We'd buy one of those – if it was loud enough to drown out the Stihl trimmers on which our neighbor's landscaping company have disabled the mufflers...

DD - LAWNMOWERS