When Dummies Have Gardening Advice

An "apple garden," according to mr

Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! We just ran across another pay-per-view website to mine for dumbasses. It's called Elite Visitors, and seems to be where all the Bubblers have gone now that Bubblews.com has throttled their payments [Editor's note: EliteVisitors is just as gone as Bubblews now: No loss...]. And just like Bubblews, it's an absolute treasure trove of Dumbasses. The only problem is finding anything that has enough information in it to be wrong – most of what's posted there is, like Bubblews, just random garbage. We did find this little morsel, however, kindly provided by an elitist who simply calls himself (herself?) "mr" - a piece of dreck writing entitled "Choosing a Garden That is Perfect for You."¹

mr tells us there are three types of gardens: flower, vegetable, and fruit. Huh? There's such a thing as a "fruit garden"? Lemme see: 14 million google hits on "flower garden," 10 million on "vegetable garden," and only about half a million on "fruit garden." There must be a gazillion on "orchard," though...

So here's what mr says about these fruit gardens:

Raspberry plants yield for decades...

"One of the more difficult types of gardens to manage is a fruit garden. It’s definitely the most high-maintenance. When growing fruits, many more pests will be attracted due to the sweetness. You not only have to deal with having just the right dirt and fertilizer, you have to deal with choosing a pesticide that won’t kill whoever eats the fruits. Your fruit garden will probably not produce year-round. The soil needs to be just right for the plants to grow, and putting in another crop during its off-season could be disastrous to its growth process. If you’re willing to put lots of work into maintaining a garden, then a fruit garden could be a good choice for you."

Duh. So much stupidity, so little time. Never mind the rubbish about "sweetness," let's start with choosing pesticides that won't kill whoever eats the fruit. Hey, dumbass: what about pesticides killing those who eat vegetables? Is that okay? And "dirt"? No one over eleven who's worked in a garden calls it "dirt" - it's "soil." Soil belongs where it is, dirt doesn't - that's how you tell the difference. Ever bought any "potting dirt"?

Probably not: at a guess, mr has never done anything in a garden; flower, vegetable or otherwise. That's made crystal clear by inane statements like, "Your fruit garden will probably not produce year-round. The soil needs to be just right for the plants to grow, and putting in another crop during its off-season could be disastrous to its growth process."  "mr" must be short for "moron," because most of what people consider fruits (excluding squash, tomatoes, cucumbers, etc., most of which we consider vegetables) are perennial plants - for one thing, they bear only in a specific season once a year; and second, tearing the plants out for an alternate crop during the rest of the year would be an incredible waste of plants that can bear fruit for many years. Idiot!

That's our Dumbass of the Day, the first (quite likely of many) awardee from elitevisitors.com – for freelancing on a topic about which s/he knows jack, we award today's honors to mr!

¹ This website is now defunct, and archive.org's Wayback machine never made a copy of the post. Oh, well, no loss...

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DD - GARDENING