Shutters for Utter Dummies (HubPages Week)

Window shutters

If there's anything that irks us here at the Antisocial Network, it's someone who shares a "How To" article that, if you followed to the letter, you wouldn't end up with the promised outcome. Like, a recipe in "How to Bake Bread" that ends up as a batch of corn nuts or something equally disgusting. It's bad enough when dummies share incorrect information, misidentify tools, or incorrectly define technical terms; but not even giving the complete instruction set? that's beyond the pale! That's why we've singled out the one and only Naima Manal for the last day of HubPages week, and why we chose her article "How to Build Window Shutters" – because it doesn't tell you how to build window shutters: it tells you how to build... something else.

OK, you're familiar with shutters, right? well, even if you're not, up there at the top of the page you can see the same picture Naima shared on her content: the blue louvered things alongside that cool door are shutters. Naima claimed to be telling you how to build these things (which, our experienced staff woodworkers tell us, is not terribly difficult, but is rather tedious). So here are the instructions the redoubtable Ms. Manal – homeschooler, freelancer and multi-category dumbass – shared:

1. "Measure the width and height of your windows from the outside. Divide the width by 4 inches to calculate how many 1-by-4s would cover the window. Keep in mind that most milled lumber measure just shy of their stated dimensions, so double-check the width measurement of the 1-by-4s before calculating this step – it may measure 3/4-by-3 3/4."  Good thing you warned them to measure, dumbass: a 1 x 4 is actually 3/4 x 3-1/2...
2. "Transfer the height measurement of the window to a 1-by-4 with a tape measure and a pencil. Make a straight cut through the wood with the compound miter saw." A very wordy way to say "cut a 1 x 4 to length." And wouldn't you, say, want your shutters to overlap the window at top and bottom, like in the pretty picture?
3. "Cut the remaining number of boards using the same length measurement as this first piece. Depending on the width of the window, cut a total of 6 to 12 pieces." Huh? Why six to 12? What if the width of the window isn't divisible by 3.5?
4. "Divide the amount of the cut 1-by-4s into two groupings. Align them side by side. Measure the width across the boards with the tape measure. Use this measurement to cut two to three pieces of 1-by-4 for each window shutter using the compound miter saw. These pieces form the crossbars to hold the long 1-by-4s together." Wait a minute: we're beginning to see a pattern here...

5. "Glue the meeting sides of the aligned long 1-by-4s of each shutter together.Evenly space the shorter cross bars perpendicular across the long 1-by-4s, from top to bottom. Lift each one up and apply wood glue between the crossbars and the long 1-by-4s." Yes, the pattern is getting clearer - though we don't think we've ever heard of "meeting sides" before
6. "Use a drill to screw wood screws through the cross bars and into the long 1-by-4s. Screw the screws in a straight, horizontal line across the middle of each crossbar, with two screws going into each long 1-by-4." Ahhh, the pattern is clear now - but we'll get to that later. Just as an aside, Naima, you wouldn't want to use 1-1/2" wood screws through two 1-inch boards, 'cause the ends will invariably poke out of the other side... 

After reading and rereading Ms Manal's instructions, we've finally figured it out: these instructions aren't for the louvered shutters in the picture, they're supposed to be for board and batten shutters. In reality, they're for hanging  a section of fence – privacy fence – next to your windows. We don't know about you, but if we're going to mount something on the exterior of our house, it won't look like a chunk of cheap-ass privacy fence!

Add to this that Naima's "design" has exposed ends and that she suggested using pine (not treated pine, not cedar, fir or redwood), the damned things would rot in a couple of years, anyway. Perhaps worst of all, she ripped off the concept and the instructions from well-known DIYer Ron Hazelton, but left out or changed the parts that she thought were "too hard" for her readers; like using tongue and groove lumber... What a dumbass! If you haven't been keeping track, this is Naima Manal's third Dumbass of the Day award. Looks like she's going to need those great carpentry skills of hers to add a room (and lots of shelves) to her house to hold all the trophies!

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