Backyard Oil Wells for Dummies (Oil Biz Week)

Oil pumpjack

Everyone wants to strike it rich, preferably without working much (if at all). Why else do you think almost every state in the USA has a lottery? And why do you think those who have studied statistics call the lottery an "idiot tax"? Well, whenever the price of oil tops $100 per barrel, those same idiots come out of the woodwork; and idiot freelancers are there to feed their hunger. Today's example is Louie Doverspike of eHow, (mis)informing his readers about "How to Drill for Oil in Your Backyard"¹ at CareerTrend.com.

Like most people who think gasoline comes out of tanks at their local GetGo, Louie knows nothing about the processes of hydrocarbon exploration, much less how one might actually do what some (other) idiot on the 'net is thinking about. Nevertheless, he launches into his six-step process:

1. "Check your surroundings. The fact is, no one is going to discover a previously unknown font of oil." The fact is, people who (unlike Louie) know what they're doing do that every day! And by the way, Mr Doverspike, according to the industry-standard glossary, there's no such thing as a "'dipper' well" -- we think maybe you meant "stripper well," the presence of which suggests that most of the oil in the area's already been produced.
2. "Research public and governmental sources to find information on other wells."  All well and good, Louie - except what "information" are we looking for?
3. "Drill, novice oil baron, drill." Ha-ha: cute mashup of Sarah Palin and J. R. Ewing; 'cept you forgot the whole permitting bit.
4. "Start pumping." Oh, yeah, right.
5. "Set up oil storage. One of the most labor-intensive elements once your oil business is pumping out the black gold is simply storing the stuff. Typical oil barrels hold 42 gallons. Storage of oil is often the most regulated step, so check local regulations. You could expect to need, at a minimum, a chain-link fence fully enclosing your barrels and warning signs, particularly of the "No Smoking" variety." We reproduced this in its entirety to demonstrate just how stupid Mr. Doverspike is. Storing oil in 42-gallon barrels? behind chain-link fences? with warning signs? What a friggin' idiot!
6. "Ship it away. Typical oil-delivery companies will charge approximately $20 per barrel..." There you go with those big ol' barrels again, moron. And where on earth did you get that "statistic"? Out of your ass? We thought that might be the case.

Like far too many eHow "answers" created by the site's stable of freelancers, this one is utter bullshit. The answer to the question, "How do you drill for oil in your backyard?" is simple: you can't. Depending on what state your yard's in, you can't get a permit to drill a well on a piece of property less than five to ten acres in size, because you can't drill within 100 or so feet (in any direction) of a property line . Even if you could, if your backyard's small you need to get all your neighbors to cooperate (and thus share in the profits). More to the point, if you live in an oil-producing state, chances are better than even that you don't even own the mineral rights - they've been severed from the surface rights. And what makes this whole notion even more interesting is that, by law, you don't have the rights to produce any oil that lies underneath your neighbors' back yards - meaning that if you do drill in your back yard, you'd better have a good attorney on speed dial!

No, Louie Doverspike, you have no idea what you're talking about and never did - all you wanted was your fifteen bucks. Well, you got it, by misinforming people, and that makes you a dumbass -- the Antisocial Network's Dumbass of the Day.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   http://ehow.com/how_5004110_drill-oil-backyard.html

copyright © 2015-2023 scmrak

DD - OIL