Spare Tires for Dummy Drivers

Temporary spare tire

Today's DotD nomination comes from the "department of so-called knowledge that no one but a moron would ever think someone would need." It comes to us courtesy of serial dumbass Isabelle Esteves over at WritEdge, who was jonesing for topics one day and decided to provide the world "A guide to buying a spare tire for your car."¹

It's not unrealistic to assume that somewhere, sometime, a car owner might need to replace a spare tire. It's also not inconceivable that an owner might not know the size of his or her tires or, in a lot of cases, whether the spare's full-sized or compact (a "donut"). Heck, there are probably plenty of ditzes who don't even know where the spare is. Izzy had advice for them all, beginning with,

"The first thing you need to do when you want to purchase a new spare tire is to locate where it is stored in your vehicle. There are quite a number of different locations where it might be. Some are stored on the back of the vehicle; these are most often SUV’s. Some are in the trunk but where in there is often a mystery. Others are under the car. If you are unsure, refer to your owner’s manual."

"Where in [the trunk] is often a mystery"? Really? Perhaps to a dumbass it is. And then there's "If your car is old and you don’t plan to keep if for many years, there is no need for the larger expense unless you do a lot of driving and have a lot of flat tires. A donut works fine for most people." No, Izzy, a donut doesn't "work fine" for most people. You can replace a compact spare with a full-size wheel if you want, but you can't go the other way. And last (but not least) was Izzy's usual clear-headed thinking on how to choose a tire:

"There are many places where you can buy a spare tire. You can try the big  retailers like Sam’s Club or BJ’s. To buy it there you must know exactly what you want. If you are not sure, then you may want to go to a retailer who specializes in tires like Goodyear, Sears Automotive or Town Fair Tires. They will be able to tell you exactly what you need and tell you what options are available."

Far be it from us to burst your bubble, Izzy, but very few stores stock compact spares (which is what is in almost every passenger vehicle on the road these days), and Sears and Costco aren't among them. And let us be blunt: if you're not smart enough to figure out that you need to replace an old tire with one the same size and type, then you shouldn't be telling people "how to buy a spare tire." Sheesh: no wonder you're the Dumbass of the Day!

¹ This website is now defunct, and the Wayback machine at archive.org never bothered to archive it. No loss, though...

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DD - TIRES