Troubleshooting Your Suburban for Dummies

Chevrolet Suburban

Got a problem with your car? Won't start? Never fear, Amelia Allonsy of eHow.com is here to tell you all about how to diagnose your problem. Assuming, of course, you can manage to gloss over the misinformation and downright stupidity characteristic of "help" from the crew at eHow.com. Let's troubleshoot Amelia's expertise as was displayed in her piece "My Chevy Suburban Won't Start."¹ Don't worry if your ride's not a Cowboy Cadillac, Amelia reprised her advice for several other makes and models (always, of course, rewording everything to avoid getting nailed for "plagiarizing" herself). Here's what Amelia says to do if your Suburban (FourRunner, Miata, Silverado, Starion, Millennia, Integra, Maxima, Spectra...) won't start.

"Check the battery to see if it is dead..." For once, a good start -- but then she screws up the instructions for installing jumper cables if the battery needs help:  "Attach the positive side of a set of jumper cables to the positive terminal of your battery, and then attach the negative side of the cable by attaching it to either the engine ground or by attaching it to the truck frame. Attach the other end of the jumper cables to another vehicle in the same manner then idle the jump vehicle to charge your battery." First, what's the "positive side" of a jumper cable? You mean the red cable? then say so! And second, that's not the correct order for attaching cables. The correct order outlined here (by people who know their collective ass from a hole in the ground). "Look at the fuel gauge and remove the oil dipstick to check that your Suburban has plenty of fuel and oil."  'Scuse us, Amelia: oil is absolutely critical to the operation of your engine, but being low ain't gonna keep it from starting - no way, no how!

4. "Push in on the connectors to the mass airflow sensor if your vehicle is equipped with one..." Really? Do you even know what a MAF is - and how to find it??
5. ...clean the air filter... Not exactly a common cause of failure to start, Amelia - but, then, you wouldn't know that, would you?
6. "Push in on the spark plug wires to make sure they are connected properly to the spark plugs and distributor cap..." Again, not so likely a cause. Maybe that's why it's number 6?

"Remove the face of the fuse panel under the dash on the driver's side and under the hood to see if all your fuses are in good shape and replace any blown fuses. Good fuses are made of translucent plastic to provide a clear visual of the center electrode, but blown fuses will be burned or broken." Under the dash and under the hood? Moving on, please tell us, dear Amelia, what "bad" fuses are made of? "Tap on the starter a few times with a long hammer or pry bar and then try to start the truck."  What's a long hammer? And since you brought it up, why would this work (we know - we bet you don't). ...clean the air filter... Not exactly a common cause of failure to start, Amelia - but, then, you wouldn't know that, would you?

There you go: typical dumbassery out of eHow, where people who don't know jack tell you all about it anyway. Thanks to Amelia Allonsy, Ehow Contributor and the Antisocial Network's Dumbass of the Day.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. The URL was    ehow.com/how_7390820_chevy-suburban-won_t-start.html

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