Amish Furniture for Dummies

Working in an "Amish" furniture company

Somehow over the past couple of decades, (supposedly) Amish-built furniture has become synonymous with "hand-made." Many people suppose that the plain folk build all that furniture and cabinetry using nineteenth-century tools and techniques. If you believe that, we have a bridge in Alaska for sale... the Antisocial Network's chief carpenter at one time worked for a cabinet company staffed in part (about 30%) by Amish workers, and they're perfectly fine with using someone else's modern tools. Apparently, however, InfoBarrel.com contributor Morgan bought into the hype in "Amish Style: How to Make Your Next Cabinet Project Look Professional."¹ Morgan (no last [first?] name, no middle initial) "informs" us that:

"Some of the most high-priced pieces of  furniture come from Amish workshops. These products tend to carry an 'Amish made' sticker, which is synonymous with high quality work. Craftsmen labor for hours with simple tools to produce beautiful pieces from simple planks of wood."

Yup: looks like Morgan bought the hype. Amish-made isn't necessarily "synonymous with high quality," it simply means that, at best, at least one of the people who work in the factory is Amish. Take, for instance, the DutchCrafters company, which calls itself "Amish": the founder is Mennonite, which isn't the same thing. The image above from the company website is one of Morgan's "Craftsmen... [using] simple tools"; not.

But anyway: Morgan originally titled his piece "5 Secrets of Amish Woodworking," so let's see what his so-called secrets are: "Sand Paper [sic] Grit Order: The local hardware store might forget to mention that the numbers on sand paper are there for a reason. Sand paper has a set order for use." So, we're starting with sanding? Whatever happened to "Measure twice, cut once"? And is there anyone who can't figure that out by looking at the grit? Do you think everyone is an idiot like you, Morgan? BTW for what it's worth, the largest maker of abrasives in America says that "sandpaper" is one word. We'd think that an "expert" like Morgan would know that.

"Orbit Before You Hand Sand: Orbital Sanders are hand-held devices that spin a circular piece of sand paper. These are usually battery or air powered."

Wait a minute: the Amish use orbital sanders? battery-powered?

"Protect Wood from Humidity: ...If there is over 20% humidity in your work area, this will cause wood grain to rise. Wood grain that rises takes in moisture."

More evidence Morgan's unfamiliar with woodworking: bread "rises"; while ambient moisture can "raise the grain" of certain species of wood with open grain, e.g., oak. And WTF is this 20% number you cite? Fine woodworking forums will tell you that consistency is the key, not a specific number; real woodworkers are more concerned with expansion/contraction and other physical changes in the assembled piece.

Morgan continues babbling in this vein, exhibiting his innate dumbassery over and over. We were also taken aback that his five tips all had something to do with finishing, and not one word about joinery or design - oversold! That's why we (and all our Amish friends) think he is well-deserving of the title of "Dumbass of the Day."

¹ InfoBarrel has deleted all user-generated content and become a "green" website, but this post can still be read by using the Wayback machine. Its URL was   http://www.infobarrel.com/5_Secrets_of_Amish_wood_working

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