Choosing Wood for Dummies

Sometimes the Associated Network's dumbass hunters catch their prey in huge mistakes, other times the fakes give themselves away through an accumulation of many small miscues; sort of a "torture of a thousand cuts." Today's DotD nominee, Jeffery Keilholtz, eHow.com contributor, is a classic example of our Type II Dumbass.  For his HomeSteady.com post called "What Kind of Wood Makes the Best Table Legs,"¹ Jeff's little screw-ups add up to a convincing example of faking it. In other words, Keilhotz doesn't know jack about making furniture, and it shows.

The real answer to the question, as any 7th-grade shop teacher would tell you, is "It depends." It depends on whether you're making a reproduction of a 17th-century cherry piece, a Mission-style oak dining table, or a maple Shaker bedside stand. It depends on the intended finish and whether or not the legs will be turned or otherwise shaped. It also depends on what species of wood the top of the table will be made of. Keilholtz, however, doesn't say any of that. Instead, he uses lots of quotes from some other source, and suggests that

"Table legs carved out of wood from the Pacific Northwest--like Madrone or Adler--are also known 'for their beauty and durability.'"

 You'd think that while ripping off someone else's ideas Jeffery would at least spell alder right, and given eHow's infamous dedication to style at the expense of accuracy, he wouldn't capitalize the names (though we guess the surname Adler is normally given a capital...). But there's more: there's always more with these morons.

"Australian lacewood"

"The kind of wood you need depends upon the table. Australian lacewood may be suitable for kitchen or coffee table legs, but it is too soft to hold the likes of a pool table. Legs built to withstand the heaviness of slate need the density of a red oak or mahogany."

Australian lacewood? Can you buy that at your local Menard's or Lowe's? We don't think so -- we've never seen sycamore at any of our local lumberyards (though maybe Paxton's has it). And what's this bull about building your own pool table? Pool tables don't normally have "legs," anyway. More evidence that Keilholtz is bullshitting is that crap about the "density of red oak or mahogany." Density, you idiot, isn't the same thing as strength. 

Finally, our boy Jeffy gets to the meat of the matter:

"Maple wood is best for most table legs; it is known for its availability and affordability. Also, because of its hardness, states Wood Guild, 'Maple is suitable for all types of furniture and cabinetry.'Very heavy tables, on the other hand, require wood that can withstand the weight. Walnut is also treasured as 'one of the most prized hardwoods' for furniture." He does lots of quoting other people, but doesn't impart much information. There's no mention at all of the grain, how well the wood takes a finish, how easy or difficult it is to carve or turn (meaning "on a lathe," Jeff), or any of several other factors that would determine whether a given species of wood makes the "best table legs."

In other words: as is usual for eHow, Jeffrey Keilholtz faked having any real knowledge, instead simply doing a half-assed copy-and-paste job from someone who actually does know something; revealing that he's a typical Dumbass of the Day in the process.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/decision_6916406_kind-wood-table-legs_.html

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