Parquet Floors for Dummy Redecorators (Carpentry Week 5)

Parquet flooring

Here at the Antisocial Network, we absolutely love it when we can catch someone who doesn't know anything about a topic holding forth about it at some length. The content is often full of clues that they're talking through the proverbial hat – all the little miscues and bits of misinformation; sometimes augmented by a big boo-boo or two. We recently caught up with Seekyt.com's Melissa Hamler (the Melissa Hamler from Australia, not the Melissa Hamler from Indianapolis) who was doing exactly that in a post she entitled "Additions of Parquet Floors" (now attributed to "general contributor [who apparently outranks private contributor]m, but still Hamler's words).

We don't normally chastise our dumbasses for bad grammar and writing when they aren't writing in their native languages – content about grammar excluded, likewise content that's obviously been spun – but Melissa supposedly speaks an Oz version of English as a native, so all bets are off. With that in mind, Ms Hamler, WTF does your title even mean? But we digress: on to those little miscues and the misinformation... We found it amusing that Melissa (according to her bio, an "experienced and professional blogger") explains to her readers that 

"Hardwood is the category of wood employed for parquetry... Parquet floors are made up of any kind of wood whether it is oak, cherry, walnut, pine etc."

Wait, what? Pine is a hardwood? And then, of course, there's the suspect (and grammatically flawed)

"Sometimes, smaller designs and patterns are created in the form of a tile. These identical tiles are then used all over the room to create a flooring design. Therefore, no two floor look similar [sic] when it comes to parquet flooring."

No two "look similar"? Bullshit: maybe no two are identical (a difficult statement to prove), but many "look similar," dumbass! Hamler also avers that...

"The popularity of parquetry flooring is due to many factors. It is the most popular kind of hard wood flooring." ...which first, makes no sense and second, is demonstrably untrue -- maybe it was popular in 1973, but today? Nahhhhh. Melissa next embarks on a flurry of keyword stuffing, a flurry unequaled in anything we've read recently, meanwhile telling readers exactly zip: "A parquet floor has an incredible look. This type of flooring gives an elegant look to the home. It can be extremely appealing and classy. With a proper design, it is possible to make the floors of the house look sophisticated. With parquetry it is possible to create a floor that looks unique."

We like that: incredible, elegant, appealing, classy, sophisticated, and unique -- all in one paragraph. What a load of horse-puckey! Hamler then goes on to address cost:

"It gives the look as it is very expensive but no doubt this type of flooring is cost effective. It means you can add a touch of style and elegance to your home by spending little amount of money."

Well, we thought English was her native language, but now we're not so sure... Melissa has plenty more to say (and say and say), most of it stupid, but we did want to make fun of more than her bad writing -- she really deserves a dumbass award for misinformation like:

"Parquet floors are quite sturdy and long lasting. Scratches do not form easily on parquet floors. If there is found any scratch, you can easily wipe it out with vinyl."

"Wipe it out with vinyl," huh... After reading utter bull like that, you probably know why Melissa Hamler ("experienced and professional blogger" that she is) is the Antisocial Network's Dumbass of the Day!

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