Windows Drives for the Techno-Dummy

F: Drive

If you've ever tried to teach Grandma (or Gramps) how to use that computer they bought so they could keep in touch with the grandkids, you've probably been asked at least a couple of questions about some of the most basic functions of a computer, questions such as "How do you turn this thing on?" and "How do I get that cup-holder shelf thingy to slide out again?" The Antisocial Network's staff all certainly hope that when you couldn't answer one of those questions, you admitted  your ignorance and then looked it up instead of bullshitting like you usually do. You wanna be truthful with Gram and Gramp, after all. Unfortunately, when you look it up on the internet, you run a chance of finding the kind of answer written by someone who was just pretending to know something about the topic, like eHow.com contributor Baptist Johnson pretending to know "How to Use the F: Drive on a Computer" at Techwalla.com.

Our first clue that Baptist is faking this knowledge – or, more likely, doing a lousy job of cut-copy-paste from a website that does know what's going on – is that he never once mentions that the question is, by definition, about a computer running the Windows OS (or certain flavors of Unix; the question makes no sense on a Macintosh). We might let that slide, except that it would have only taken a single sentence to say so. Moving on... our next clue is that Johnson informs us that

"Generally, your main storage drive is the C: drive. Every other storage drive you connect to your computer, whether internal or external, will be named in order." ...which isn't actually true: if you're even the slightest bit savvy, you can assign any drive whatever letter you want (which is why there are no drives G: through O: in that image up there). The word Baptist should have used right about now – but he didn't – is the D-word: "default." By default, the F: drive is the first external drive attached, usually via a USB port (although on some PCs it might be via a wired connection). We'll forgive Johnson's insistence that to "see" the F: Drive, you must "Double-click the icon labeled "My Computer" or "Computer" on your desktop..."

...even though that's just one of several ways to open the file system (and only in a couple of Windows versions). In fact, it would have been more accurate to say to "open the file system," which is more generic, and therefore makes more sense when you're saving or opening from within an application -- but he didn't say that. And last, but not least (it's never "least" with the dumbasses at eHow), Johnson "instructs" us to

"Allow the F: drive to open. A window should show you all of the information stored on the F: drive. To open any folders or files, double-click the desired icon."

...and that's it. Of course, there's a problem with that, one that Baptist apparently didn't consider: You must first mount the device that acts as the F: drive. You know, plug in the flash drive or the external hard drive, things like that. If you haven't installed the device (and its driver, another word Johnson never uses), you will wait all day for the F: drive to open. How you gonna "Use the F: Drive" then? That's what you get for taking advice from dumbasses; people like this, our Dumbass of the Day.

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