Fences for Our Dummy Friends

Bracing a fence

Ever ask someone a question and get the feeling that he or she just wasn't listening? You know that we mean: you ask, "What's the capital of Illinois?" and end up getting a half-hour dissertation on the use of the color blue in "The Simpsons" (probably because the capital of Illinois is Springfield...). This may happen because the person got distracted and went off on a tangent. We used to have a boss like that, a guy who would change subjects in the middle of a sentence and... sorry... Sometimes it's because the person trying to answer the question is a dumbass. We're pretty sure that's what's going on in "How to Brace Fences,"¹ posted to eHow.com by frequent contributor (and DotD recipient) Owen E. Richason IV.

Ask yourself this simple question: "Why would someone want to brace a fence in the first place?" We figure the answer is, "Because their fence is falling down." Owen apparently started out thinking like that, because as he said in his introduction,

"Fences that are in imminent danger of a weather event such as a tropical storm or hurricane can be braced or reinforced to prevent damage."

		We know from experience it's no fun to repair a wind-damaged fence, so we're all in favor of bracing the fence in advance; though we suspect that wasn't what the original questioner had in mind. But we'll go with that, anyway. So what's Richason's advice? Well, according to Owen the Fourth, you're supposed to use "lumber beams" (whatever those are... we think he means 2 x 4s). He definitely doesn't know what he's talking about, however. According to Owen "For [fence] panels 6 feet by 8 feet... you'll need to cut... 9-foot-long beams to brace the... fence." He's telling you to cut a diagonal cross brace -- but the diagonal of a 6 by 8 rectangle isn't 9, it's 10. Oops. Once you've cut your "beams" (to the wrong length) you're supposed to "Drill pilot holes in both ends and the middle of the cut lumber using a bit slightly smaller than the diameter of the screws." and then

"Place the lumber beams against the fence diagonally from top to bottom. Secure each lumber beam to every fence panel with screws on both ends and the middle using a screw gun."

Even if you did want diagonal braces, 1) why would you drill a pilot hole in the middle of the brace? and 2) wouldn't you want to cut the ends at the proper angle? But then, of course, there's the obvious question, "How the hell does this brace a fence against 'a weather event'?" When wind damages a fence, it does so by blowing the entire fence down, often snapping off posts at the ground level. The wind load on a six-foot privacy fence would astonish you! 
So we suspect the OQ wasn't asking, "How do I brace my fence pickets?" but "How do I strengthen my fence posts?" Not that it's ever a wise idea to brace wobbly fence posts -- you should replace them, not brace them. But Owen, dumbass that he is, didn't answer this question at all, not to mention doing a lousy job with the "answer" he did provide. That's why Owen is collecting his second Dumbass of the Day award. We doubt it will be his last.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_8179349_brace-fences.html

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