Pole Barn Doors for Dummies

Barn door rollers

Among the many clues that a freelancer is writing utter bull is one of our favorites: a set of instructions that make absolutely zero sense. This is a hallmark of some "early adopters" at eHow.com, where an urban apartment dweller could collect cash for writing about farming or a sedentary male could expound on dysmenorrhea among female endurance athletes. In other words, they got paid for writing utter bushwa. Today, we visit the work of one such contributor, Giselle Diamond, as she explains to the best of her (clearly, quite limited) ability, "How to Build Pole Barn Doors." How she gleaned this information from her work while collecting a MFA in English from NYU remains a mystery... oh, wait: she didn't learn it!

Giselle's work immediately tripped our researcher's bogosity detector in just the first words of the eHow-mandated introduction:

"Pole barn doors can add to your convenience, especially when moving heavy equipment or other large items into your pole barn. There are many types of pole barn doors that you can install or build such as swing doors, sliding doors, overhead doors and more..."

Excuse our stupidity, Giselle, but have you ever seen a pole barn without pole barn doors? Better yet, have you ever seen a pole barn at all? and, for that matter, do you have the slightest idea what you're talking about, especially when you say garbage like "...if you wish to build tough, durable pole barn doors, you can do so using laminated veneer lumber (LVL) beams. LVL beams are a popular choice for pole barn doors..." Yes, she did say to use LVL to build pole barn doors. We suspect she got confused when she read about the header for the door, a more likely candidate for the use of LVL. Moving on, Diamond's instructions tell her readers to

1. Buy enough materials [duh!]
2. Cut LVL lumber to half the width of the opening
3. Cut LVL lumber to height of the opening [we see a problem developing -- do you?]
4. Make a "box" by fastening the LVL with "a metal brace" [WTF does that mean?]
5. Add a diagonal cross brace [using what, Giselle?] and "Insert a set of 2-inch nails to connect the cross frame" ["Insert" the nails? what a maroon!]
6. "Trim... two 1/2-inch (or 3/4-inch) maple (or oak) hardwood boards to match the length of the cross frame." [Yes, Diamond said "hardwood" -- apparently she thinks this is fine furniture]
7. "Connect the hinges and a handle for both doors using suitable screws, ensuring that they are firmly inserted into the brace." [Huh? "hinges and a handle"? Are you sure, Giselle?]
8. "Varnish or stain your pole barn door boards to give them a glossy, finished look."

It's become quite clear by this point that Diamond has no earthly idea what she's saying. Not only is she instructing readers to use hardwood to make their doors, but careful reading will reveal that once the LVL box frame is completed, each door has exactly one board across it. We suspect that such a door would not provide much security...

Who would have ever suspected that an English major writing about construction techniques at eHow would be – how to put this politely – spreading manure like an Angus steer with diarrhea? The Antisocial Network staff suspected it, and that's why we are here to hand Giselle our Dumbass of the Day award.

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