Water Shutoffs for the Dummy Homeowner

Ball valve in open position

Our researchers here at the Antisocial Network have an ongoing disagreement about which internet freelancers are the most greedy. Is it the freelancers who, even though they know nothing about a subject, proceed to write detailed posts filled with errors? Or is it the freelance writers who, given half a chance to make some cash, would happily write an article about "How to Pee on a Tree" or "How to Change a Light Bulb" (we've actually seen that second one). Today we'll read from category two, insults to the reader's intelligence: we give you Seekyt.com's Visions, seen holding forth on "How To Shut Off A Main Water Supply Valve."

Visions – real name, sadly (or perhaps not so sadly), unknown – says that you should first turn on a faucet in a sink somewhere and then – we kid you not:

"Go find your water supply valve."

Duh. We think maybe you should find the main shutoff (not the "water supply valve") first. Actually, we think you should find the shutoff for the system you're working on at the moment (a point Visions failed to make). Whatever... so where might this mystical valve be? No idea: good ol' Viz doesn't have any suggestions for that, at least in this post (she wrote a different one for that... with an image of a standpipe!).

According to Visions, your main shutoff may be either a gate valve or a ball valve. Everybody knows gate valves, the ones with the wheel-like handles: it's "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey" (even Visions knows that). But ball valves are a little different: "If you have a ball valve, which is a straight handle or lever, move the lever like handle up or down to shut off the water. A ball valve may be installed to shut water off by moving the lever down. Pulling the handle down is by far the most common configuration, but it is possible that moving it up will shut it off. Basically, move the lever in the direction it will move in."

Visions' misinformation is a classic case of someone thinking everything is the same as the one example he's seen. In the real world, a ball valve is configured so that when the handle is aligned with the pipe, the valve is open. When the handle is at right angles to the pipe, the valve is closed. Just how would you open or close the valve shown above (it's in the ceiling of the Antisocial Network HQ building's basement) "by moving the lever down" – or moving it up, for that matter? Dumbass.

For the twin sins of insulting the intelligence of the average laboratory rat AND for getting it wrong, we hereby award Visions our coveted Dumbass of the Day. We only wish we could find her to present it in person (based on Visions' preoccupation with acne in other posts, we figure she's a teenage girl).

Helpful hint: although opening and closing a ball valve is a lot quicker than using a gate valve, plumbers advise that if you've drained your house's plumbing, you should re-open a ball valve slowly instead of just jerking it open. Otherwise, the sudden rise in water pressure could loosen some plumbing fittings.

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