Timing an Engine for Dummies

Timing sequence of four-stroke internal combustion engines

Back in the day when everybody's grandpa had to walk ten miles each way to school (uphill both ways, of course, and through the snow), you could climb into the engine compartment of your V8 Ford to perform a tuneup beneath the old maple in the yard. That's not so much the case any more, due to the combination of clean air regulations and advances in engine design. Your Grandpa and, if he's old enough, your Dad (maybe Mom, for that matter), could swap out the plugs, install new points, change the oil and filters and set the timing in a short afternoon. These days it takes a special tool and two hours of grunting to get the oil filter off the block. Having never performed his own tuneups, however, didn't stop eHow.com's Thomas West from parlaying that MA in English into the less-than-helpful "How to Advance or Retard Ignition Timing" at ItStillRuns.com.

As is sometimes the case, West (unlike many contributors to eHow.com) did part of the necessary homework. For example, he more or less correctly reworded someone else's description of how incorrect timing affects engine performance:

"If the ignition timing has too much advance, the air and fuel mixture will detonate prematurely, and your engine will ping and knock, which will eventually damage your engine. On the other hand, if the timing has too much retard, engine performance and fuel mileage will suffer. Knowing how to advance or retard your timing is important to reach a happy medium."

We don't know what spiritualists have to do with tuning the car -- perhaps making contact with Great Grandpa, the last person in your family to actually do this (rim shot!)... Anyway, Thomas now provides "instructions" such as "Locate the distributor, which will be near the top of the engine at either the front of back of [sic] the engine block." We wondered, wouldn't it be more helpful to point out that the distributor is the thingy where all the spark plug wires meet? Strike 1 for Thomas. Strike 2 is a foul ball dribbled down the third base line:

"Loosen the distributor mounting bolt located at the base of the distributor, turning an adjustable wrench in a counterclockwise direction."

Why eHowians insist on adjustable wrenches is beyond us -- one should never attempt a tuneup on a vehicle unless one owns a set of combination wrenches (at least) and/or a set of sockets. Likewise, not knowing which direction to turn a bolt is a dead giveaway that you shouldn't be screwing around in an engine...

West strikes out with his bat on his shoulder with the rest of his directions:

"Turn the distributor in a counterclockwise direction to advance the ignition timing... Turn the distributor in a clockwise direction to retard the timing..."

Technically, we suppose, those instructions are – at best – "correctish." Why? Because first, the reader will need to know whether to advance or retard the spark; Thomas says nothing about determining whether timing needs to be advanced or retarded. Second, a first-time engine tuner IS. NOT. QUALIFIED. to set an engine's timing by ear! He or she is almost certain to make matters worse. And even if a reader has "perfect engine pitch," West neglects to point out that you perform this operation while the engine is running.

Worst of all? the Dumbass has apparently never heard of a timing light. Yes, everyone, there is a timing light in the Antisocial Network garage, and at least one person on staff knows how to use it. Thomas apparently doesn't know such a tool exists, yet he still tries to tell people how to set timing. That's why we give people like him our Dumbass of the Day award.

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