Building Your Own Bicycle for Dummies

Parts needed to build a bicycle

We love finding idiotic internet DIY posts here at the Antisocial Network. In fact, we've collected links to a lot of the more moronic sets of "instructions" – and we use that word loosely – at a Pinterest page we call "Don't Do It Yourself." Most of the stupidity enshrined there falls under carpentry projects and home or car repair, but every once in a while we find something from another field that's stupid enough to add. That's the case today, as we feature the one and only David Bicycle (not a person's real name, we're almost certain, though it might be subliminal advertising for some LBS in Taipei) who condensed the manufacture and assembly of the modern bicycle into a mere 500 words or so to post "Great Step By Step Instructions To Build a Bicycle" for the wise and wonderful HubPages.com.

Ummm, yeah. If we wanted step-by-step instructions for building a bicycle, we suspect we'd want something a bit more... let's say "more robust than about 500 words at HubPages": perhaps a book or three, or a YouTube channel originating in a professional bike shop. You know, references from knowledgeable professionals as opposed to some rank amateur who introduces his topic by saying,

"Bicycle manufacture has ten main steps let us see one by one in detail"

"David's" prose is at times a little rough, but we generally ignore that for non-native English speakers (unless the writer is trying to instruct us in writing style; then the gloves are off). Instead, let's focus on some of the more inane (or just plain stupid) things this self-proclaimed expert has to say. For instance, here's how you "choose" the materials for the frame:

"The... frame is constructed using various tubes... The tubes are made of aluminum or steel. There are so many qualities of alloy steel and light weight aluminum. Sometimes heavy strong steel or titanium is used. In modern days carbon composites are used to make the frame which stays without rusting for years." Oh, sure, the reason to choose a carbon frame is to prevent rust... although neither aluminum nor titanium rusts, either: did he mention that? No,? Well... once you select the material for making your frame tubes (steel, of course), "They are made into hollows which are then measured and cut into required measurements...[and] welding or gluing the tubes into required shapes..."

Ugh. Enough about frames. Let's talk components, starting with the drive train...

"The gears are assembled in the cycle. The levers are placed in different places like frame stem, down the tube and on the end of the handlebar. Derailleurs are fitter on the front side to control the motion of the chain. The rear side derailleur is attached using hangers and a cable is attached covering both the derailleurs."

At the very least, shouldn't he say that each derailleur has its own cable? And how do you add the shifters to a handlebar if you haven't installed the handlebar yet? In reality, the drive train goes on last, not first, dumbass. And then assembling the front end:

"The handlebars are attached to the stem with bearing, and locknuts and mounted on the head tube. It is designed in such a way it is turned easily."

We sure hope it turns easily! Oh, and David? You forgot the front fork... There is, of course, plenty more where this came from, but we don't want readers to start vomiting. Suffice it to say that the syntax is fractured and, if you follow the outline, your bones will probably be fractured too. Out of 13 "hubs" the author's written,  nine are invisible to the public (we still don't know how this system works, though we truly wish we could get our little hands on some of the invisible crap – we bet it rivals eHow.com).

Whatever David's published vs. unpublished hub count, this one is precisely the kind of rubbish that made content farms like HubPages and Squidoo targets for the Panda update. It isn't a coincidence that it's also the kind of content that wins folks like "David Bicycle" the Antisocial Network's Dumbass of the Day.

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