Routing Keyhole Slots for the Dummy Woodworker

Keyholes and a T-slot cut with the keyhole bit shown

Most people seem to comprehend the use of the most common power tool; i.e., the cordless drill/driver. At least the research crew at the Antisocial Network have caught only a few freelancers botching instructions for using one. As you move up the complexity scale in power tools, however – to jig saw, circular saw, etc. – you run into fewer and fewer of the journalism and political science majrs familiar enough with the tool to write about it. Routers, it seems, are unfamiliar enough to most money-grubbing freelancers that they have to look them up: aren't they something to do with the internet? Today's DotD award goes to one Victor Fonseca, a PolySci major who was way out of his depth when he tried to tell readers "How to Use a Keyhole Bit in a Router"¹ at HomeSteady.com. Fonseca isn't the first eHowian confused by the concept of a keyhole bit, and probably won't be the last...

We know Victor's blathering though the proverbial ball cap at least in part because of his cutesy introduction:

"The often-neglected keyhole bit seldom makes the front pages of woodworking magazines, but this humble router bit is essential for making customized switch plates and keyhole covers."

Whether keyhole bits are humble or feel neglected, we really can't say. We can, however, say that their use has zip to do with either "customized switch plates [or] keyhole covers" -- whatever "keyhole covers" may be (such things exist, in fact, but they're metal, meaning that you don't make them with a router). Sill in Victor's intro, we find the interesting yet nonsensical. "...if you want that picture frame to sit flush against the wall, nothing will do the trick like a perfect keyhole-cut mount..." We'd sure like to know what a "keyhole-cut mount" is -- Victor, could you stop inventing terminology for a minute and explain? And so he does...  after telling people in the introduction to "[place] the keyhole bit in a table router" (WTF is a "table router"? Is that what those who use routers call a "router table"?), Fonseca instructs them to

1. Measure and mark where you want the keyhole cut on your frame, switch plate or keyhole cover. There's that "keyhole cover" bull again.
2. Determine how deeply you want to penetrate with the router and make a note. And do what with your note?
3. Set the height of your router to the desired height by adjusting the height band on the router. "Height"? Huh?
4. Loosen the router collet with a wrench and insert the keyhole bit until there is approximately 1/8 inch between the collet and bit. Does he mean to leave about 1/8" of shank exposed? isn't that dependent on the dimensions of the keyhole slot? The design of the bit? 
5. Tighten the collet with a wrench. Duh.
6. Turn on the router and gently lower it to your marked keyhole. The keyhole bit will cut at your designated height. Ummm, yeah... ummm, no: shouldn't you adjust the depth of cut after the bit is fixed in the collet?

Those may be the worst router setup instructions in history, Vic! No one could possibly cut a successful keyhole slot by reading this bullshit, although some people who, unlike you, actually do know a router from a hole in the ground have written instructions that will work. Oh, yeah, and there are other ways to use a keyhole bit besides picture frame hangers: we suspect Fonseca's never even heard of a T-slot. That omission alone qualified Victor as Dumbass of the Day even before you read his moronic instructions...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_5047696_use-keyhole-bit-router.html

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