Drill, Baby, Drill! the Dummy Version

A drilling rig

There seem to be few topics about which the average American is more ill-informed than how "exploration for gasoline" works; among them are string theory, neurosurgery, and rocket science. We suspect that, if our staff petroleum geologist could survive the inevitable migraines, we could mine the internet for misinformation about the oil industry for months (there are, admittedly, some places that seem to get it right). We've had today's candidate on the back burner for a while, mainly because the author is anonymous. We understand, we wouldn't want to admit we're that stupid, either; but here's what the eHow Careers and Work Editor had to tell us about "How to Strike Oil."¹ Strike oil, indeed...

When an eHow.com post starts out with inane garbage like

"The discovery and exploitation of oil deposits is the base of a petroleum economy. The electricity, home heating and transportation systems rely on gas and oil so consumers need to be well supplied with fuels. The processes for drilling an oil well are long and thorough"...

...you know you're not going to get much; and not much is precisely what you get from this rubbish: "long and thorough"? That sounds like the title of a porn movie! But things only get worse: the article is, after all, supposed to give instructions for striking oil. The anonymous author, who cited no references, completed this highly complex assignment in a mere 330 words. Yeah, sure...

Our hero (or heroine, more likely: see below) instructed the would-be wildcatter to assemble his/her "Things you'll need: land, geological surveys, an oil derrick, and drilling equipment." That's apparently all you need for striking oil, though why a derrick isn't part of the "drilling equipment," we don't know. Then, one merely follows a set of deceptively simple steps, beginning with "Prospect for oil by studying maps of previously drilled areas, taking samples of soil in undrilled areas and by studying porosity of areas where you believe oil could be. The more porous the sedimentary stones are in an area, the more likely it will be to contain oil."

We weren't sure WTF anonymous meant by sampling soil to look for porosity or, for that matter, how studying a map of a previously drilled area would help much. Maybe s/he meant analogues? Our geologist suggests that learning how oil is generated, migrates, and is trapped would be a good start as opposed to "studying maps." Next, according to anonymous, you're supposed to present your data (though what "data" remains unspecified) to "prospective buyers."

Of course, that will be successful, so now you

"Drill the well. The drilling contractor will want to pick the drill bit according to his own experience with the derrick and equipment he has assembled. As the expert on the project, you will need to give him good advice on the density and types of rocks at different depths."

Wait a minute: you sold your prospect! what are you doing drilling it? And by the way, we strenuously object to the idea that someone who's read this has become "the expert"! Anonymous read somewhere that someone catches samples every ten feet, so that's "in there"; as is this fine bit of information:

"Consult a petroleum engineer when you finally reach oil. She will run steel pipe down the hole to recover the oil and gas..."

That pronoun strongly suggests that anonymous is female, but we all realize that stupidity knows no gender. What can you say about someone who doesn't know the difference between soil and bedrock? Duhhhh.

Whatever the case, this flaming pile of eHow excrement has stood online for more than eight years and will probably stand until the site ultimately goes down in flames. For allowing this wretched combination of simplicity and stupidity to stand, we would gladly ship a wall plaque to the founders of eHow (Jack Herrick) and/or the morons behind Demand Media (Shawn Colo and Richard Rosenblatt) naming them our Dumbass of the Day. Unfortunately, we can't...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_2073047_strike-oil.html

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