Drilling Holes in Paneling for Dummies

Pretty wood paneling

The worker bees in the Antisocial Network's research department have been having tons of fun with stupid posts lately. They've turned up plenty of people like yesterday's complete moron; the fool who thought people could cut their own hardwood flooring using trees from their front yards. Yeah... sure... Today's candidate also turned up on their radar because he was writing for eHow.com from a position of complete ignorance, supposedly assisting his readers with DIY projects – even though he had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. This time it's that proud Film and TV graduate Greyson Ferguson, who leveraged his degree while explaining "How to Drill Holes in Wood Paneling." Yeah... sure...

We suspected right off that Ferguson was ignorant of his topic when we read how he described wood paneling in that DMS¹-mandated introductory paragraph:

"Paneling is actual wood that covers the wall from top to bottom, so you shouldn't be able to see any of the product behind the paneling."

Oh, Greyson, there are so many things wrong with that! First, wood paneling isn't usually "actual wood," it's often veneer over plywood or some other manufactured wood such as hardboard. Second, it doesn't necessarily cover the wall from top to bottom – ever heard of wainscoting? Once Ferguson got that little bit of misinformation out of the way, however, for some unknown reason he concentrated on what's behind the paneling:

"...if you plan to drill holes into the wood it helps to know what is behind the paneling. It could be drywall, more wood, brick or concrete. The material behind the paneling determines how much work is required to drill the hole and what kind of equipment you need." The remainder of Greyson's post concentrates not on drilling holes in your paneling but on drilling into the substrate. According to this expert, you must drill holes in the paneling with... "...butterfly drill bits designed for concrete... These are drill bits that have a slight lipped edge to the tips. The lipped edge allows the bits to catch more of the concrete, propelling it to drill into the material."

Frankly, no one here at AH HQ has ever heard of a "butterfly bit," and Ferguson didn't cite any references. Based on the description, he probably meant "spade bit," which would be useless for "propelling it to drill into the material" if it's concrete².

Greyson's instructions are almost entirely predicated on the assumption that the reader doesn't know what's behind the paneling. Take for instance this step:

"Stop if you suddenly feel the wall resist the drill. Remove the drill from the hole and shine a light into it. If you see concrete or masonry, you know you need to continue using the butterfly drill bit."

Those of us who've actually drilled into a wall, however, know that paneling isn't applied directly to concrete or masonry (except by others like this dumbass); it's applied over drywall by conscientious people or directly to a set of studs by cheap people. Whatever the case, Greyson expends about half his 300-500 words (minimum word count, y'all) explaining how to drill holes in concrete. No, not wood paneling, concrete. Not only does our Dumbass of the Day know nothing about drilling holes in wood paneling, he can't even stick to the subject. What a moron!

¹ DMS: Demand Media Studios, parent company of eHow.com. You can't spell "dumbass" without DMS!
² If you really want to drill holes in paneling: We suggest using a hole saw, drilling from the "good" side of the paneling. Hole saws don't splinter the paneling like spade bits... or "butterfly bits."

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