Making Hardwood Flooring for Dummies

Using a band saw to cut a log

Antisocial Network team members like to swap stories around the water cooler (as if there were an actual cooler at ANHQ, besides that fridge full of craft brews). An ongoing argument among them is who has managed to turn up the dumbest of dummies; an argument that will probably never be resolved. Similar to the saying that "As soon you think your product's idiot-proof, Mother Nature produces a better idiot," as soon as you think you've found the dumbest of dummies along comes someone with an even dumber specimen. We have to think, though, that eHow contributor Janos Gal certainly belongs in the top running. His leading position is pretty sure, if his post "How Cut Your Own Hardwood Flooring From Trees"¹ is any guide...

Despite being an accomplished journalism graduate, if he does say so himself, it's readily apparent that Gal has never cut hardwood flooring from trees -- probably never cut a tree, and his only encounter with hardwood flooring may well have been walking on it. As they taught him in J-school, though, Gal begins at the beginning... with identifying your trees...

"Check the trees in your garden or front lawn to find out whether you have a hardwood tree. There are several types of hardwood trees, such as black cherry, hard maple, black walnut and oak."

No duh... clearly Janos has no idea how much wood one might get from a tree in one's front yard, as compared to the quantity needed for a reasonable-sized room: 3/4-inch flooring in a 10-by-20 foot room means a minimum of 150 board feet, which would require a tree well over a foot in diameter with a trunk about 50 feet tall.  Besides the moronic suggestion to cut trees from your yard (instead of buying cut lumber), Janos shares his "expertise" in tree identification: "Check the color of the tree bark to determine what type of tree you have. Black cherry has a reddish brown color, black walnut is deep chocolate brown, hard maple is creamy white and oak is light brown." No, Janos, those are the colors of the wood, not the bark, Idiot. Next, Mr. Gal shares how to fell a tree. We especially liked the precision of the instruction to

"Cut the top part of the notch 45 degrees in from the base of the notch..."

Even our staffers who've actually cut trees couldn't figure that one out! But there is, of course, more. Janos says you should...

"Determine the thickness of the wood boards you want to cut using a measuring tape." We figure you probably already knew how thick you'd want 'em... and no mention of the thickness needed to allow for milling... "Start the engine [of the band saw] up and observe the blade is running smoothly before you start cutting the log." Bandsaws have engines? Is he talking about a mobile sawmill? "Set the blade guard 3 inches higher than the wood log to stop the blade from meandering." Three friggin' inches? Has this idiot ever seen a bandsaw? "Place the wood log on the saw machine and slowly start pushing it toward the blade. Run the blade along the lines you marked up for thickness." Janos, you moron, we're talking 300-pound logs... and if you don't use the word "fence" in this anywhere (which you didn't) it's a dead giveaway you're full of doodoo... "Cut the wood planks along the marked lines into smaller pieces if the boards are wider than you require." No fence again...

At this point, Gal is apparently "done" -- no de-barking, drying the wood, planing the planks to get rid of saw marks; no tongue and groove to reduce uneven warping... no nothing. We're pretty sure that any boards made following these instructions will not be "up to the highest standards," despite what Gal promised in his introduction. And you were wondering why the researchers thought he might be the worst of the worst? At the very least, this guy's an A-number 1 candidate for Dumbass of the Day!

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_7971588_cut-own-hardwood-flooring-trees.html

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