French Drains by and for Dummies

Backfilling a french drain

Every once in a great while we find ourselves muttering, "Same dummy, different day." Today's one of those days: after some pretty crappy information about interference engines yesterday, eHow's Cayden Conor (sometimes known as Cheryl Bowman, mother of Conor and Cayden) is back again today to misinform her readers (what else would you expect at the mother lode of misinformation?) about "How to Install French Drains Around a Foundation"¹ at HomeSteady.com. Umm, sorry, "Cayden": you're now a repeat offender.

As is often the case for the contributors to Leaf Group², Conor demonstrated her unfamiliarity with her topic from the get-go; intoning in the very first sentence that,

"If soil drainage is poor, water can build up around a foundation and, over many years, cause the foundation to move, crack or start to disintegrate."

Well no, Cayden, we're not concerned with water "over many years" -- we're concerned with water every day, even if it's not raining. We don't want water in our basements, we don't want water seeping under the slab. Water, Cayden, is the enemy. With that, let's see what Conor said next:

"Adding French drains around the perimeter of the foundation helps to divert excess standing water away from the foundation, effectively lengthening the time the foundation will be sturdy."

...ummm, yeah: "sturdy"... that's what we want, a "sturdy" foundation. Moron. Not only that, but French drains are used not just for standing water, but also for rainfall and groundwater. And when it comes to installing your french drain, we question the claim that... "French drains can be hand-dug, but a small backhoe (you can rent these) will make the work go much faster." A back hoe? Really? We suspect Conor really meant a Ditch Witch® trencher... idiot. Be that as it may, we read through her instructions, which told us to

"Dig trenches about 2 feet wide and 2 feet deep around the perimeter of the foundation. If the outside wall is less than 16 feet, one trench will suffice. If the wall is more than 16 feet, dig 2 trenches along the wall. The trenches should be at least 4 feet long..."

We have no idea what Cayden meant by "If the wall is more than 16 feet"... you? In addition, there is not a single reference to slope: if Conor was attempting to depict trenches running perpendicular to the foundation wall, they need to be sloped -- otherwise, any water simply sits in the trenches. We aren't quite certain, but it appears that Cayden confused French drains with a leach field. We can't tell, though, because she did not include any references.
If that's not sufficient evidence that Cayden is well out of her depth here, we found this factoid in her Tips & Warnings section: "One cubic foot is 3 feet times 3 feet time 3 feet." Ummm, yeah: a cubic foot -- small wonder we decided to give Conor a Dumbass of the Day award two days in a row!

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_5047236_install-french-drains-around-foundation.html
² the new name for Demand Media Studios

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