Roof Plans for the Dummy Builder

new roof sheathing (decking)

We're still confused about how anyone ever expected some random college student (even if he is one of those fantastically gifted J-school grads) to be able to write intelligently about roofing even though he's never done any construction... but that was the eHow.com model. That, in fact, was why the mother lode of stupidification of the internet allowed some guy named Alexander Callos to publish rubbish under the title, "How to Calculate Roof Plans" (it now lives at niche site HomeSteady.com¹).

Truth be told, we can't even figure out what "calculate roof plans" is supposed to mean, and we've worked on a roof or two. Callos, however, decided it meant something along the line of estimating the cost; so we'll let him run with it. His instructions, unfortunately, leave a little to be desired. For one, he starts out with...

"The size of the roof and the type of roofing that will be used are the options you have to choose from when figuring your roof. No matter what type of roof you put up, it must be carefully designed and constructed before any building on it can take place."

We weren't aware that the "size of the roof" was optional, but what the heck. Let's see what interesting things Alexander would have us do:

• "Measure the width and length of the roof to get the total square footage. Record the measurement of the length and width of each side. Multiply the length by the width of the first side and add it to the second to get this number." – We suspect we'd read the dimensions off the blueprints, but what the hey. Oh, and Alex? It's not "the length and width of each side"; it's the length and width of the roof!

• "Determine the pitch of the roof... Set the inclinometer on the top ridge [sic] of the house and record the measurement of the slope" – We don't know about you, Alexander, but we'd prefer that the "top ridge" of our house be horizontal!
• "List all the materials that will be used on the roof and the type of roofing you will be installing. Add in ice and water guard, felt underlayment, drip edge to go around the perimeter, roofing shingles, starter strips and ridge vents." – Ummm, Alex? are you forgetting something? Like, we dunno, maybe the sheathing (decking)? Otherwise, the shingles will fall right through the rafters!

This is precisely the sort of uninformed dreck that made eHow the poster child for moron-infested content farms, and it's also precisely the reason why Google came up with the Panda update in 2011. Unfortunately, Callos had already taken his stipend and split. That doesn't mean, however, that he can't come back for his Dumbass of the Day award...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_7879870_calculate-roof-plans.html

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