Dog-Ears for Dummy Fence Builders

No, Jane, they're not "curved."

No matter how many times we say it, this bears repeating: You don't want how-to instructions written by a "never-done-it." That's one of the chief reasons that the quickly disappearing website eHow.com¹ has long been the laughingstock of people who can say, "Yeah, I've done that." The folks who've never done it usually expose themselves through ignorance of terminology, unfamiliarity with the process and tools, or both. Take, for instance, "Jane Smith" (yeah, sure...) and the Hunker.com article she posted called "How to Build a Dog-Ear Fence."²

We have no doubt Smith put that BS in education to work to find instructions somewhere. Heck, they're easy to find. It sure lends credibility to your work, however, if you don't make some pretty major errors in the first few sentences...

"Dog-ear fences are a form of picket fence. When butted together, the pickets of a dog-ear fence provide privacy while adding curb appeal, at least to the outside world. The pickets end in a rounded top, like a beagle's ear. They are hung on two horizontal rails that run between each fence post."

Let's parse that:

• Yes, dog-ear fences are a form of picket fence.
• No, you don't butt the pickets together: you leave a gap for expansion.
• Dog-ear fences aren't for curb appeal, they're for privacy: few places allow one at the curb!
• No, they don't have rounded tops: the corners are cut off at an angle, like a dog-eared page in a book.
• How can you run horizontal rails "between each fence post"? Not to mention that most six-foot fences have three rails...

Not to belabor Jane's unfamiliarity, but she also seems to think that people make their own pickets:

"For most people, it does not make sense to make individual pickets when ready-made fence sections are available."

No, Jane, people don't "make individual pickets," they buy them already cut to size. Idiot. What follows is an eighteen-step version of how to assemble a privacy fence using ready-made panels. Some of Smith's more moronic instructions are:

• "Dig post holes 2 feet deep and at least 18 inches in diameter, using a post-hole-digging machine." – That machine is called a "power auger," Jane; but you'll have a helluva time digging 18-inch holes. Try six the next time (and maybe mention the depth of the frost line???).
• "Set your first post in a corner hole and backfill the hole with gravel." – Corner posts are always set in concrete, especially for privacy fences!
• "Hang a plumb bob from a spirit level set on top of the post to check that the post is straight and level" – If you have a level, what do you need a plumb bob for? and in what universe is the end of a fence post automatically square?

• "Mix quick-drying concrete in a wheelbarrow according to package directions. Fill the remainder of the hole with quick-drying concrete mix. Allow concrete to dry for 3 to 5 days before hanging your fence sections." – Maybe you meant 3 to 5 hours? How about overnight?
• "Beginning 1 inch down and 1 inch in from the corner, drill 1/8-inch pilot holes every 6 inches along the vertical edge of the fence section. Countersink all holes. Drive 1/4-inch diameter, 3-inch long screws into the top and bottom holes at each end of the fence section... Drive all remaining screws into that section." – Holy shit! Talk about over-engineered!

We quit reading after that because, to be honest, Smith's crap was giving us a raging headache. It's been a while since we've run across directions this bogus for anything, much less a DIY project that just about every homeowner thinks about tackling from time to time. Let's hope that no one actually takes our Dumbass of the Day and her "instructions" seriously; because if they do there are a lot of fences out there that are going to fall over! Now we know why she uses a pseudonym, though...

¹ It's disappearing not because so much of the content is bogus, but because Leaf Group is moving much of the content to a bunch of newly-minted niche sites.
² Leaf assigned this article to a "rewrite specialist," so Jane's version is gone, though you can find it using the wayback machine (URL ehow.com/how_5019062_build-dogear-fence.html). We came back later to poke fun at Kimberley McGee's "updated" version.

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DDIY - FENCES