Floating Decks for Dummies

Floating decks

Here at the Antisocial Network, our staffers are almost certain that if our freelancing candidates don't know the definition of a structure, the only way they can address building or repairing it is the old million monkeys on a million typewriters trope. Our particular typewriter-banging freelancer today is Genae Valecia Hinesman, and we found her contribution to the stupidification of the internet at HomeSteady.com: feast your eyes on "How to Build a Floating Deck."¹

There's some disagreement about what constitutes a floating deck: purists say that it's a deck that isn't attached to another structure; some think it's a deck whose supports aren't easily visible, giving it the appearance of floating in midair. As far as we can tell, however, Hinesman is the only person on earth who uses this definition,

"Floating decks are so named because they are initially assembled apart from an existing structure, separate from the foundation, and are then attached to the structure or building just prior to completion."

What may be worse, however, is that Genae Valecia thinks that a floating deck is "also known as a 'juliet balcony' . [sic]" Once she got that misconception out of the way, Hinesman proceeded to offer up kludged plans for building a small, rectangular deck at ground level. Some of her more moronic instructions include,

• "Build the deck's frame with the 2x6 planks, placed about 16 inches on center. Make sure that the boards are as horizontal as possible by using the carpenter's level along the top edge." – We guess those instructions would be... OK if, three steps later, Hinesman didn't tell her readers to, "Connect the frame's assembly to the house at your chosen location before installing the floor joists and planks." – We wonder why she leveled her frame before installing it... and then, of course, there's,
• "Use shims to raise up any part of the frame that rest on a slope. It may also help to place additional soil beneath these areas for extra support." – Wait, what?
• "Put the floor joists into place, spacing them evenly." – Ummm, dumbass, the joists are the "planks" you said to place 16 inches on center!

...and on and on. Suffice it to say that these plans are neither for a Juliette balcony nor for a floating deck. Not only that, but Genae Valecia's complete unfamiliarity with construction of anything from a birdhouse to a deck to a split-level ranch house are as plain as the nose on her face. Let's stop kidding ourselves and stop listing her errors: we have all we need to name Hinesman the Dumbass of the Day (and more)!

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_4604989_build-floating-deck.html

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