Rock Collecting for Dummy Fifth-Graders

Rock collection

Truth be told, our staffers spend most of their time scanning the many niche sites in which Leaf Group (formerly Demand Media) has been stashing the former eHow.com content. Apparently the SEO gurus liked niches back in 2017... As a result, they don't have much time for the ever-fewer other collections of dumbassery. One site we rarely check is SnapGuide (the content is now owned by B+C Guides). With that in mind, here's an example of why we don't spend much time there" Victoria Gilkes and her little guide, "How to Start a Rock Collection."

We know nothing of Gilkes except that she lives in Calgary, or did when she posted her guide (in 2012) and was perhaps fourteen at the time. Her age shows... it shows in instructions like,

"First buy a book about rocks... Then head outside and find some rocks!"

Yeah, sure. She even includes a suggestion that,

"If you can't find any cool rocks or fossils you can always head to a place that sells rocks..."

...which, we guess, would make sense if she'd said something about how to find "a place that sells rocks," doncha think? Now that you have some rocks, though, Vicky says that you should wash 'em and pat 'em dry with a towel. Now comes the hard part:

"Now you have to identify the different rocks using the rock book you bought."

Indeed. Of course, Gilkes has no suggestion whatsoever about how you might actually do this, other than to use "the rock book you bought"! And once you've gotten that minimalist task out of the way, Vicky says to,

"...put the rocks in [a] display case and label the rocks and fossils."

All well and good, Vicky, except: what do you put on the labels? And while we're at it, why do you keep mentioning fossils? Anyway, Gilkes concludes her sage advice by telling you that,

"If you get tired of the display you have up.put [sic] all the rocks into a container and get some more rocks..."

Did we estimate her age at fourteen? This sounds more like eight. Whatever the case, even though she was probably some middle-schooler trying to pick up nail-polish change, it's still stupid enough to earn Gilkes the honor of being our Dumbass of the Day. Go, Victoria!

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