Metamorphic Rocks for Dummy Composers

The rock cycle

All of the Antisocial Network researchers run across truly stupid claims or DIY instructions every day, so it takes quite a bit to surprise one of them. It happens, though, and when it does the wide-eyed one usually brings the nominee to the attention of the staff as a whole. We keep a few of these wonders in mind for special recognition at the annual awards banquet. Today's one of those days, when a potential Dumbass of the Year takes the stage. He's Dan Boone of Sciencing.com, and he thinks he's explaining "What Causes Metamorphic Rocks to Form?"

Take it from us, he's not. Oh, well, he did manage to mention two of the three things necessary to cause regional metamorphism: heat and pressure. He left out chemically active fluids, though. He also took a wild stab at describing contact metamorphism, so we have to give him some credit. Perhaps we would have, if he had not made some of the stupidest claims in the history of freelance science writing. Feast your eyes on some of his crap:

• "The earth's surface and the area just below are composed of rocks and minerals. Far beneath them is a liquid center of the earth called the core." – Gotta wonder what lies between them there rocks and minerals and the liquid core. Got a clue, Dan?
• "Tremendous pressure and heat transform what is above and below." – Ummm, "above and below" what?
• "Metamorphic rock is rock that has been created by the transformation of igneous rock." – No, moron, metamorphic rocks can be created from any type of rock, including older metamorphic rocks!

• "Elements such as oxygen, and compounds like silica, magnesium, iron, aluminum and calcium fuse igneous rock into other forms called metamorphic rock." – Wow: so much garbage, so little time. Just in case you didn't know, Squire Boone, silica includes oxygen...
• "At the bottom of the ocean, sometimes miles down, hydrothermal vents release chemicals from inside the earth... Metamorphic rock is formed when these chemicals cool in the ocean." – No, jackass, the rocks forming at hydrothermal vents aren't metamorphic. They're similar to the tufa and travertine formed by hot springs, though the deep-sea form is often metal-rich.
• "A phenomenon called 'burial pressure' causes metamorphic rock to form... The pressure can crush other rock to form metamorphic rock." – No, Dan, it doesn't. That's not to mention that crushing rock doesn't cause metamorphism...Duh.
• "Heat emits from molten rock. It can heat rock to temperatures near melting and change the chemical composition of the rock. This is known as 'contact metamorphism.'" – This is as close as Danny-boy gets to being right about something. His only problem is that contact metamorphosis doesn't involve changes in chemical composition, it involves changes in mineralogy and texture. The chemistry changes little, if any at all.

We knew that Boone is scientifically illiterate (and so was his content editor, but that goes without saying) the moment we glanced through his list of references. There, in all its ignorant glory, is a link to "Rock Hounds: How Indigenous [sic] Rocks are Formed." Never mind that this idiot was supposed to be researching how metamorphic rocks are formed, we guess that he was merely cleaving to the desire for everything to be local... You'd think that this putz would have at least used the information contained in the references he pretended to have used, but noooooo... The music-school grad cherry-picked a few important-sounding phrases and tossed everything in his pseudo-science blender. Small wonder Dan Boone is picking up our Dumbass of the Day, not to mention contending for Dumbass of the Year!

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SI - METAMORPHISM