Installing Fence Panels for Dummies

Stepped fence panels

When the time comes to build a fence around your property, whether it's to keep dogs and kids inside or keep nosy neighbors outside, you have to make a choice: do you build the fence picket by picket, or do you buy those hand-dandy pre-assembled fence panels from your local big-box store? Our in-house landscaper types have done both. If the truth be told, they'd rather build everything from scratch because it give you a lot more flexibility. If, however, you decide to go with panels, we strongly advise you to look for help somewhere other than Mike Andrew and his HomeSteady.com post, "How to Mount Wood Fence Panels Between Posts."

Andrew went whole-hog in his lawyerly way, including a warning that "A falling fence panel can result in serious injury." He did not, however, warn people that he had no idea what he was talking about: that's apparently up to the Antisocial Network staff.
Well, maybe he had some sort of idea; or at least he knew where to look for information. On the other hand, Mike could certainly have come up with a better description of fence panels than "a series of interconnected boards"! You'd think the term "pre-assembled" or something similar night have come to mind. Whatever the case, Andrew started out by telling his readers,

"To determine how many panels you need, count the number of fence posts you have and subtract one."

We hope the didn't forget about the gates... whoops, looks like he did. It's also weird that he didn't even mention the process of setting the post, but apparently they just appear in the ground as if by magic. Next, Andrew told people to,

"Calculate the correct length of the panels by measuring from the center of one post to the center of an adjoining post."

For what it's worth, he could also measure from right- or left-hand edge to right- or left-hand edge, as long as he's consistent; but the big question is, "What if the posts are 7'11" apart? Do you have to special-order panels?" No, idiot, there are basically two panel lengths, six and eight feet. Sheesh.
As for installing, Mike managed to rehash some pretty darned simple instructions without any great problems. After all, how much trouble is it to say, "Drive two nails through both ends of each stringer into the posts." What peeved our house fence-builders is the eHowian habit of calling the stringers "support beams": what IS it with eHow.com and the word "beam," anyway?! We also weren't impressed by Mike's suggestion to,

"...mount the panels by attaching angle brackets the support beams and the post..."

...which is either stupid or uninformed. Yes to galvanized fence brackets, no to "angle brackets" – if you must call them angle brackets, Mike, at least mention "galvanized." And then there's this total bullshit,

"Use a cleat to connect two fence panels in an area where there is no post."

Ugh: that isn't going to work well on eight-foot panels. Andrew further compounded that doofus idea by warning his readers that,

"Cleats are generally not effective for more than two successive panels. Install a new post in an open area requiring three or more fence panels."

We're wracking our brains trying to think of a reason for 24-foot gap between posts... but, then, we're pretty sure that anyone who thinks making a cleat involves,

"...cutting that board with a mitre [sic] saw or hacksaw..." 

...doesn't inspire much confidence in his familiarity with tools and their use. Perhaps his most glaring omission, though, was the lack any mention of how to install panels on a slope: do you stagger them? Rack the panels? What? Mike didn't know... but we do. That's just one of the reasons we think he's richly of deserving the title of Dumbass of the Day.

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DDIY - FENCES