Installing a Bike Computer for Dummy Cyclists

Bicycle speedometer (cyclocomputer)

The legal travails of Lance Armstrong notwithstanding, LiveStrong.com was – and, for that matter, still is – an admirable organization. Why, however, they would lend that good name to the likes of Demand Media Studios¹ (now Leaf Group) is beyond us, unless it's precisely because of Lance's troubles. We know that we wouldn't want our name associated with "help" from the likes of contributor and "expert" Brian Richards, at least based on his post "How to Install a Bicycle Speedometer."

Richards' so-called expertise (based, we suppose, on his philosophy and law degrees) led him to open his article with this bit of inanity:

"Bicycle speedometers are small computers that attach to your bicycle to measure the rotation of your tires."

Besides the fact that they measure the rotation of a wheel, not a tire, Brian definitely gave the cyclocomputer short shrift: the most basic devices measure speed, time, and distance; more advanced models keep track of average and maximum speed; while other models include a cadence counter, thermometer, altimeter, GPS... so much more than "rotation of your tires." Whatever the case, here are some of the places where Richards' version of installing a bicycle computer went all wonky:

1. "Attach the computer sensor to the fork opposite your brakes on the front wheel mount."
2. "Run the wire from the sensor up the back and outer part of your shock absorber."
3. "Secure the wire that connects the sensor and the computer mount to your bike frame with cable ties."
4. "Clip the included magnet to the spokes of your front tire..."
5. "Enter the diameter of your front bicycle tire into the computer. This information is usually printed on the tire itself or will appear in your bicycle's user manual."

Our corrections:

1. First, not all bikes have disk brakes and second, WTF is the "front wheel mount"?
2. First, most computers these days are wireless and second, not all bikes have shock absorbers.
3. See above re: wired vs. wireless
4. Ummm, dumbass, tires don't have spokes: wheels have spokes.
5. We've never seen a single computer that needs the diameter: they need the circumference. That's not to mention that the tire size is printed on the tire, not the tire circumference. If you have ever done this, however – unlike Brian – you'll know that the documentation for the computer will (probably) tell you the number you need.

Clearly, Richards only looked at one reference, and it was for mountain bikes. Strangely enough, our boy actually included links to instructions for installing a bicycle computer on a Norton motorcycle and another for installation on a Lotus Seven! If you're like our Dumbass of the Day and don't know what a Lotus Seven is, there's a picture to the right...

¹ DMS, as in "You can't spell 'dumbass' without 'DMS.'"

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