Secret Compartments for Dummy Woodworkers

Box with secret compartment

Whenever the subject of woodworking comes up, several of our staffers point out that they've amassed enormous lists of potential DotD candidates over the years. The sad truth is that, although a lot of freelancers think building things out of wood is pretty darned easy, most of the time they're full of crap. Which brings us to our nominee for today, the oddly-pseudonymed Sincerity Anna and her OurPastimes.com post, "How to Make a Wooden Box With a Secret Compartment."¹

Right from the start we had to wonder where Anna got her plans, since the only reference she cited didn't have any plans for a box with a secret compartment, or for one with a hidden compartment if you're looking at synonyms. In fact, it didn't have plans for a box at all... Given that Anna thought you could find "½-inch thick wood, 10 inches wide by 8 feet long" and "¼-inch thick wood, 1/2 sheet" to make your box, we have to wonder at her level of experience...

We wondered even more about Sincerity's... Anna's.... whoever's level of expertise when we ran across instructions such as,

"Use a hammer and 1-inch nails to secure the bottom board to the side and end boards by tapping [sic] in a nail every 2 inches around the perimeter of the box." – First, "tapping"? and second, every two inches??? "The remaining board is the top of the box. Set it on the box, making sure all edges are straight. Lay the hinges on the box 3 inches in from the box's back side edges..." – Ummm, yeah, sure: the top is exactly the same size as the bottom: that'll look "fine." "Tap nails into the holes of the hinge plates to secure them to the back of the box." There's that tap" business again; not to mention that hinges are generally installed with screws...

Now, let's make this secret compartment: supposedly, the compartment is made using,

"...two pieces of ½-inch thick wood... 4 inches wide by 10¾ inches long [for] the end insert boards [and] one piece of ¼-inch wood... 1 foot, 11¾ inches long and 10¾ inches wide for the faux bottom..."

This ought to be interesting! Let's see how Anna assembles this "secret" compartment:

"Make the secret compartment by tapping ½-inch nails down through the ¼-inch wood onto the ½-inch thick end insert boards. Make sure the edges are flush. This will create secret space and a faux bottom. Insert the faux bottom into the box once it is attached to the insert end boards."

Well, based on Anna's plans, you're making a box 1 foot wide, 2 feet long, and 11 inches high. In that case, a "faux bottom" that sits 5" down from the top is going to be pretty obvious! What's also pretty obvious is that 1) Sincerity has no idea what she's talking about, 2) there's no way to get the false bottom out, and 3) no one would ever be fooled by this crappy "secret compartment," even after everything is covered with felt. Now you see why she's our Dumbass of the Day? Sure you do!

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_5612598_make-wooden-box-secret-compartment.html

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