Jumper Cables for Dummies

How to connect jumper cables

An Antisocial Network staffer was at her local grocery the other day and noticed a motorist sitting in his car with the hood open. She wandered over and asked, "Need a jump?" He did and, as luck would have it, she had jumper cables behind the seat of her classic 1988 Toyota pickup. She set the cables up, goosed the engine, and gave him the thumbs up. The starter whirred immediately, but the car didn't start. Apparently the motorist, like others (including Dwight Malone of ItStillRuns.com), thought that a jump would solve any starting problems. He needed to ask himself, "How do I Troubleshoot a Car That Won't Start Even With a Jump Start?"¹

In case you weren't aware of this (like our staffer's would-be rescuee), a jump start won't solve anything except a battery with insufficient "juice" to get the engine cranking; and it won't always solve that. Malone didn't seem to get that, either. According to Dwight,

"While your vehicle will usually start up without any problems when jump starting it, there are some instances where it will not and further investigation into the problem will be required. " Malone wanted you to perform a few checks related to the jumper cables, such as, "Check the jumper cables to see if the protective rubber coating is warm... Inspect the output terminals [sic] on the batteries of both cars..." As if anyone who carries a set of jumper cables didn't already know about crud on the terminals ("output"???)! We did find the notion that,

"If [warm], this is a sign there is increased resistance in the cables and enough current is not properly flowing to the dead battery..."

to be just a little on the doofus side, especially since he had nothing to say about the gauge of the cables. But the best came next, when Dwight informed his many fans that there may be "Non-Battery Related Issues." Well, duh. Although Dwight never mentioned it, that's probably why the car turns over merrily but doesn't start. His potential causes, however, were... well, they were pretty stupid:

• "Even if the gauge indicates there is fuel, the gauge may have an electrical malfunction and the tank may actually be empty." – Yeah. That seems likely.
• "Remove the fuel filter and see if it passes air through it. If it does, the filter is not clogged." – Oh, sure: suck on the fuel filter. Idiot.
• "Check to see if you have worn spark plugs..." – Really? Is this moron kidding?
• "If your vehicle still won't start after taking the above steps, you most likely have a bad alternator, starter or electronic ignition, which will need to be replaced." – We hate to tell you this, Dwight, but there are lots more reasons than just those three, one of which is that the battery gave up the ghost...

For all we know, Dwight was the poor fool our staffer tried to help. She sent the guy across the street to the auto repair shop, where someone who actually knows something could help him... not a Dumbass of the Day like Mr. Malone.

¹ You may have to take our word for the title and author's name, since ItStillRuns is so poorly designed that both title and byline are often concealed by ads.

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DD - BATTERIES