Log Crafts for Dummies

birch log vase

We've known a few crafty types over the years, and we're well aware that there's a whole universe of people who like rustic crafts. No one here is part of it, but that doesn't mean we can't respect them. What we don't respect is freelancers who try to make money off of botching instructions for their projects, freelancers like Ava Perez and her OurPastimes.com article "How to Make Birch Log Vases." We'd much rather hear how from someone who knows how to use the tools she describes...

Perez would have you cut a chunk of birch log and drill a hole down the center. She rightly says that her design wouldn't hold water, although her claim that putting water in a hunk of log would cause it to "crack and warp" seems overblown. Ana appears to have cribbed her instructions from a couple of blogs, neither of which went into much detail. But don't you worry, because Ana was there to pad the instructions out to meet the minimum word count! Here's how:

• First, Ava wants you to saw the log: 58 words, including "Hold the log using your non-dominant hand and grasp the saw in the other hand." Really? People need to be told to hold the log?
• Next, put the bit in the drill: 25 words, including the bogus statement that, "A spade drill bit carves out a circular area around the drill without going right through the wood." Hmmm: we maybe she conflated "spade bit" with "Forstner bit" there...
• And now, drill: three steps entailing 83 words, including this foolishness: "Press down gently on the drill to carve out the center of the log. Use one hand to pull the trigger and the other to steady and push the drill from behind. Use an even, constant pressure to carve in a straight line." Ava? A drill doesn't "carve." That, and how do you steady the log if you're using two hands on the drill?
• A little more: "You may want to widen the hole or smooth out an edge. If more carving is required, start the drill and press down against the areas that need smoothing." More of this carving bullshit...

We found it amusing that Perez suggested a log between 1 and 2 feet long, and instructed her readers to drill to within about an inch of the bottom. Wonder if Ava knows the typical drill bit is only about six inches long? Probably not...

No, our Dumbass of the Day was trying to reword instructions for something she'd never done herself, and it definitely shows.

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