Bike Seat Installation for Dummies

Saddle rails and seat post clamp system

If you've never tried to swap out bicycle seats, you'll probably understand why bike shops charge an arm and a leg for the job – more, even, than changing a flat. That's probably why some poor schmuck googled the question, "How to Change a Bicycle Seat" way back in 2007. Some schmuck by the name of Alex Kosmidis "answered" the question... well, not really, so in 2012 eHow.com had Dawn Quinn rewrite it. The problem? Quinn's version (now at GoneOutdoors.com) didn't do a heckuva lot to improve over Koz152's version.

Unless you're dealing with a child's 130-dollar bike from Walmart, bicycle seats all have pretty much the same design: the "sit-upon" part rests on a frame of sorts, and that frame has two metal rails that run lengthwise (see image above). A clamp system on top of the seat post allows you to move the seat forward and backward and also change its tilt. All of that is covered in the one reference Quinn cited.
None of that, however, is what Dawn tried to tell her readers. No, here's what she said:

"Locate the nut and bolt that connects the seat post to the seat. Loosen standard bolts with a small wrench. Remove bolts or screws with a screw head with a screwdriver. Remove bolts with a hex key head or allen wrench head with a hex key or allen wrench. Remove seats attached with clamps by utilizing their built-on [sic] turning handles. Turn your tool or handle counter-clockwise to loosen it."

WTF is a "built-on turning handle," Dawn? Could it be a quick release? Those only release the post, not the seat. And are you aware that "a hex key head" and an "allen wrench head" are the same damned thing? No? We didn't think so...

The remainder of Quinn's post is boilerplate about adjusting the saddle, with the exception of this cogent suggestion:

"Tighten the connector bolt completely to lock the new seat into place by turning it clockwise onto the seat post with a small wrench..."

We repeat: WTF does that even mean? "[Turning] it clockwise onto the seat post" makes absolutely no sense!
Oh, we do wish that people like our Dumbass of the Day weren't so greedy... and so clueless!

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