Porch Swings for Dummies

Swing in pergola

We have long since lost count of the number of times we've read through what should be simple, straightforward instructions and come across a line or two (or three or four) that just didn't make any sense. We're pretty careful to make certain we "test" for typos, but the sad truth is that most of the bogosity we encounter is clearly a result of ignorance... ignorance like that Maria Magher revealed in her article at SFGate.com, "How to Hang a Swing From a Pergola."

As one might expect from a "professional writer" with a degree in English and "creative writing," Magher did her homework. The problem is, that although she went to a reliable and authoritative source – an article about hanging porch swings at This Old House – Maria was a little hazy on what Tom and Norm said to do.

Her ignorance is probably why Maria said to use a,

"Bolted eye screw with 4- to 6-inch shaft..."

First, we have no idea what a "Bolted eye screw" is, and second, Maria conflated a 4-inch eye screw from one solution TOH outlined with a 6-inch eye bolt from another. Oops. Next, Magher would have her readers,

"Select beams of the pergola from which to hang the swing that are supported, ideally placing the swing near a jointed section."

We asked around and nobody here understands what Maria means by "near a jointed section." Anybody out there know? And then there are her instructions for installing said "Bolted eye screw":

"Pre-drill one hole in the location you marked for each side of the seat. Use a drill bit that is one gauge smaller than the eye bolt you have chosen."

Bolts don't have gauge, and even if they did drill bits don't. Plus, you drill a hole the same size as a bolt but the diameter of the shank for a screw. Sorry, Maria! and as for this...

"Reinforce the eye bolt with a nut between the wood and the end of the eye bolt. Tighten the eye bolt until it is flush with the nut and the nut is flush with the wood."

We don't get that, either. Neither does anyone who knows how screws, bolts, nuts, and washers work...
No, Magher just threw a bunch of tangentially related words at the screen and hoped that she wasn't unlucky enough to get one of the rare content editors who'd ever used a wrench. Fortunately for our Dumbass of the Day (but unfortunately for her readers), the vast majority of them hadn't!

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