A Cheap Gazebo for Dummies

Southwestern ramada

For some reason, you can find a wealth of "how-to" construction and woodworking advice in the Leaf Group niche site Sapling.com ("A money site for people who don't do money good"; which suggests to us that their grammatical standards aren't top-of-the-line). The majority, if not all, of them are for "How to...Cheap..."; which is exactly what caused our staffer to take a look at the Heidi Cardenas post "How to Make a Small Cheap Backyard Gazebo." Despite Cardenas' claim of expertise in home improvement, it was pretty lame...

As usual with niche posts, we had to go back to the original eHow.com version to scope out Heidi's materials list and references. As is usual for eHow's freelancers, the references Cardenas cited have nothing in them to support her plans. Heidi's "plans" are for nothing more complex than four ten-foot posts set in a ten-foot square with lattice nailed on. Right away we knew that Cardenas was full of it, because she specified "3-foot by 10-foot pieces of lattice"; a product we don't think exists in the consumer lumber world.

Be that as it may, we looked at Cardenas' plans. If you think "cheap" means the same as "crude," you'll like them. She would have her readers follow these steps:

• "Set a landscape post in [each corner]." — We aren't quite sure what a "landscape post" is, but we suppose it's a 4-by-4.
• "...make sure the posts are straight and level." — Oh, crap, another fake expert who doesn't know the word "plumb."
• "Screw the 10-foot long support boards horizontally to the outside of the posts at the bottom and top of the posts to frame the gazebo." — That might work... but probably not. She calls for 2-by-6s, which means that there's a 5½" board across the bottom of each side.
• "Screw two pieces of lattice to the outside corners of each post." — It's hard telling, but Cardenas probably meant to orient the lattice panels vertically, which would leave a 4-foot vertical gap on each side. We think.
• "Lay the last three pieces of lattice on top of the gazebo across the support boards, spaced evenly, and screw them into place." — Two problems, Heidi: first, that leaves four-inch gaps between the sheets of lattice, and second (and more importantly) the lattice is unsupported across a w-i-i-i-i-de space. It'll probably collapse of its own weight; it'll certainly sag dramatically.

Most gazebos are octagonal, though it isn't a requirement, and they are traditionally roofed. This plan, if you can dignify it with that noun, doesn't make a gazebo. It makes a four-sided structure more similar to a ramada or a lanai; not to mention that 10 x 10 isn't what we'd call "small." The plans call for products that aren't readily available and makes a space that might be dangerous because of a tripping hazard. Most of all, our Dumbass of the Day just used the good old MSU¹ method of "researching" her plans, and that's the main reason why we gave her the award.

¹ MSU: Making Shit Up.

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