Patching Drywall for Dummies

drywall patch

By the time they've moved into their first house, most people have learned the basics of patching holes in drywall. Truth be told, many of them still think it's OK to fill nail holes with toothpaste like they did in their dorm rooms, but some of the more adventurous have found that larger holes can result from thrown objects or simple roughhousing. We know of one person who's cell phone left nice, linear hole in drywall. When it comes to patching those larger holes, many turn to the web for instruction. Let's hope, for their sakes, that they don't find the WiseGEEK.com post, "What is a Drywall Patch," at the top of the results, 'cause Malcolm Tatum had no idea what he was talking about.

You'd have to be dirt stupid not to come up with a cogent definition of "drywall repair," so it's no surprise that Tatum managed to spit out,

"Drywall patches are repairs made to an existing drywall panel..."

...though we note that few people speak of drywall "panels" when describing a finished wall. Nonetheless, Malcolm kept on pounding the keyboard, coming up with,

"In [some] cases, the drywall patch is used to repair damage such as scarring or larger holes, making it possible to restore the look of the wall without actually installing a new panel."

Now we're getting somewhere. But first, let's look at Tatum's description of filling a small hole:

"...it is usually possible to fill in the hole with drywall plaster, then smooth the patch using a trowel..."

Fill holes with "drywall plaster"? Use a "trowel"? We guess he means spackle or joint compound and  a drywall knife, the terms of art. Maybe handypersons use different terminology where Malcolm is from (Montgomery, Alabama? Really?). It's when you get to larger repairs, however, that Tatum's ignorance becomes palpable. That's where he says to,

"...[replace] the damaged section with a portion of a fresh panel. With this application, the new panel is cut to fit into the space, then secured using drywall plaster."

Say what, you idiot? Just stick the patch in place with a dollop of "drywall plaster"? No! The parch has to be secured in some manner or it'll just fall out! You can't merely stand the patch in the hole and slather on the mud!
This moron also thinks that,

"Since panels tend to narrow around the edges, this leaves a small indentation that the plaster fills in."

That's patently ridiculous: you just cut the patch from a full sheet (not "panel") of drywall, so you may have one tapered edge, but that's it.

Now you see why Tatum has been given the Dumbass of the Day award? Consider this: he's so clueless he didn't even mention drywall patch kits with mesh you use to cover small holes. Whadddanidjit.

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