Dummies Pan for Gold in a New York Minute

placer gold

When it comes to get rich quick schemes, not many of them return as often as finding gold in your own backyard. Well, maybe in the little creek just up the road; not everyone's backyard is suitab;e. Whatever the case, people are constantly asking how to pan for gold in [name of place], and the nice contributors to eHow.com were always happy to "help" them. Sadly, however, not all of them had much help: we're thinking, for instance, of the OurPastimes.com post "How to Pan for Gold in New York," attributed to Addie Protivnak.

Truth be told, about the only useful information Protivnak shared about the topic is this:

"New York law states that any gold or silver found in the state belongs to New York. "

We kinda doubted that, but it appears to be true. Whatever the case, following Addie's instructions isn't gonna find you much of the yellow stuff, anyway. According to her,

"Prospectors report finding gold in Saratoga and Ulster counties along the Hudson... [and]  explore the small branches of water that surround the Finger Lakes Region..."

Uhh, yeah, that's pretty specific, NOT. Even if you were to find a prospective area, however, Protivnak's panning instructions were rather unhelpful, at least according to our staffers who've actually panned for gold in the past. Phrasing like,

"Hold the sluice under the water and shake until the light material has left the pan, while the heavy material is in the bottom... [or] Use the strainer and sluice to filter the sand and gravel..."

...really isn't particularly instructive. Of course, Addie's most interesting idea was to,

"Use a metal detector to find New York glacier gold, which often is found lodged under rocks.."

How big did this bozo think these hunks of gold are, anyway? The size of a quarter? Did Addie not realize that placer gold is rarely larger than a tiny flake?

Clearly she did not, but she pounded out this rubbish anyway. When we find people this clueless pretending to be helpful, we feel fully justified in slapping a Dumbass of the Day label on their work. Congratulations, Addie.

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