DIY Tree-Climbing Spikes for Accident-Prone Dummies

commercial tree spikes

In olden days you could watch a utility lineman scamper up a wooden pole as if he (they were always men in those days) were part kitty-cat. Nowadays they all use bucket lifts, and you would be hard-pressed to find a pair of the nifty devices the guys used to get started up the pole; the same handy-dandy tools that (some) loggers still use: tree spikes. If you really wanted a pair, you could probably make your own – but heaven help you if you try to use the directions scribbled down by Ezmeralda Lee in the SportsRec.com post, "How to Make Tree Climbing Spikes."

It is unfortunate that Lee, who pounded this out in 2008 when she still called herself Civita Dyer, did not list a reference; because it would be instructive to see the original directions... because her version is somewhat vague (par for the course, based on her six previous DotD awards). For instance, Ez says to,

"Measure the length of your lower leg, and the width of the two areas which will be attached to the spikes using the 2-inch rawhide leather straps."

First, it would be helpful to know what "two areas" she's talking about; and second, what does she mean, "width"? Lee's instructions don't improve much, including such clumsy language as,

"Use the acetylene torch to make two 90-degree bends in the rod. One bend will be placed at the length of steel rod that cradles under a booted foot, and extends under the foot towards the inside. Another 90-degree bend, and ends in a loop, with the pointed end extending inside of the foot."

Whaaaa? And it continues, as she explains that,

"The pointed end should be curved enough and at the right angle to be easily inserted into the tree when climbing. The bends and curves of the steel rod will place the pointed end at an advantageous position for use in tree climbing."

We think we know what Civita... errr, Ezmeralda was trying to say, but we also know that the pointy bits on tree spikes are generally at the ankle, not below the sole of the boot (see the image above).  And finally, there's this kluge:

"Stitch together 2 6-by-24-inch rawhide leather pieces and 2 2-inch straps of leather to construct a double-ply sheet and strap adapter to be used to protect the inner leg and to attach the apparatus to the lower leg."

We have to be honest: we can't even conceive of how that's supposed to work, not to mention that Lee-slash-Dyer had no words of wisdom about how those straps "adapt" to the leg, much less cinch tightly enough for safety (and comfort).

Of course, expecting "words of wisdom" from a serial Dumbass of the Day is a fruitless endeavor.

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