A Canopy Bed for Undiscriminating Dummies

Those plans won't make this bed...

A few weeks ago we ran across a post in which some ding-a-ling freelancer attempted to explain how to build a canopy bed (in a low-ceilinged room). At the time we figured we'd finished with canopy beds, at least for a while. No such luck: one of the staffers came across a post by a familiar name, one B. T. Alo. The self-described "media director, chief writer and editor for a U.S.-based marketing and consulting firm," who still had free time to write a couple hundred eHow.com posts, is well-known around our shop for his unfamiliarity with any procedure involving lumber... as he proved once more with the HomeSteady.com post, "How to Build a Canopy Bed Frame."

According to Alo, he planned to tell you how to,

"Make your own luxurious canopy bed frame."

In just looking at his "Things You'll Need" list we figured out that his plans would be anything but "luxurious," given that he told people to use 2-by dimensional lumber. That'd sure come out looking pretty...
And even if B. T. had been more discriminating in his choice of lumber, his plans.... well, his plans reveal his unfamiliarity with the basics of carpentry and woodworking. Take this sequence:

1. Make a frame of  2-by-8s cut to 62 and 84 inches. Screw them together with "deck screws" with the shorter lengths butted between the 84-inch lengths.
2. Add 2-by-4 "cleats" inside the frame flush with the bottom edge; two on the ends and two spaced along the length (use "deck screws" again).
3. Lay a 62-by-80 "sheet of ½" plywood" across the "cleats" for a "mattress support"

Already B. T. has serious problems, to wit:

• He thinks the open space is 62 x 80; it's not: it's 63 x 80, 'cause a 2-by-8 isn't a full two inches thick. Oops...
• The plywood is thin enough to need to be supported along the edges, not just every 2½ feet.
• Where is he going to get a sheet of plywood big enough to cut to 62 by 80, anyway?

Alo's "canopy frame" is also interesting, seeing as it's supported with 80-inch 2-by-4s (over-engineered much, B. T.?). The canopy frame is crafted (we hesitate to use that word) of 2-by-2s and measures 84 by 66: yeah, Alo miscalculated the width of the frame (it's actually 65 inches). And, like everything else, it's assembled with deck screws...

Finally, Alo wants to set the bed frame 10 inches from the floor on his 2-by-4 posts, held in place by 5-inch "bolts" – no mention of carriage bolts, and no mention of washers; just nuts. Too bad Alo didn't realize that his bolts would project a full two inches into the space for the mattress...
B. T. cobbled this bullshit together from a plan for a toddler's bed, a plan for a platform bed, and some detailed plans for a hardwood four-poster. None has a canopy. The "assemble with deck screws" business our Dumbass of the Day advised came from plans for the toddler's bed, which is about half the size of a queen.

What would you end up with by following these plans? a crooked-looking mess made of construction-quality lumber; one that would tear up the mattress before falling apart. Yeah: dumbass.

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