Drillstem Tests for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCLXXIX

Does anyone besides us remember the snarky poster that said, "Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do"? Well, it's true... Just kidding: the reality is that people who think they can reliably reword anything from Wikipedia are annoying to those of us who know something about the topic at hand, but freelance writers like Malcolm Tatum insist on pretending that they can. We came upon Mal at WiseGEEK niche site AboutMechanics.com, where he pretended to know the answer to the eternal question, "What is a Drill Stem Test?" Heck, the boy didn't even know enough to use term of art: "drillstem."

Tatum's herein making his seventh appearance on these pages, in his seventh category, making him the poster boy for the phrase "jack of no trades, master of even fewer." Based on his putative answer to the question at hand, it's pretty obvious that Malcolm's only intersection with the oil industry is the gas pump at his local Starvin' Marvin. Feast your eyes on some of the dumbassery in his post:

"... drill stem test is a type of structured evaluation that makes it possible to determine the makeup of the geologic formation that is found adjacent to the drill pipe inserted into the ground during the extraction of natural gas or oil."

Let's disabuse Mal of the notion that such a test will "determine the makeup of the geologic formation" right off the top: a drillstem test (DST) isn't used to determine "makeup"; the variables tested include pressure, permeability, and fluid content.

Tatum couldn't even get much of anything right, including claiming that,

"Earlier methods involved using a small charge to create a perforation in a plastic casing that was lowered through the drill stem."

WTF? "plastic casing"? That's not to mention that casing isn't "lowered through the drill stem"! Or how about this bogosity:

"...this created a small perforation in the casing that made it possible to collect samples of the surrounding fluids or earth."

"Earth"? Or how about this scifi interpretation:

"In more recent years, the drill stem test has used technology that makes it possible to run small robots through the drill stem, collect a sample, and provide immediate feedback on the composition of the sample."

Once again, DSTs don't evaluate the "composition," they evaluate reservoir conditions in situ. Mal also claimed, with no evidence we can find) that,

"This same general principal holds true when using a drill stem test to look for water."

Sheesh... and finally, take a gander at Tatum's flowery explanation of the results of a DST: "...the process may take as long as 24 hours... This is especially true when there is a need to also take readings that indicate the level of pressure at the site along with the availability of the product desired for extraction and eventual sale." Malcolm, you ignorant tool, the REASON a DST is performed is to take those pressure readings (and they're not "at the site," either, they're at the bottom of the well [which, by the way, oil companies drill, not "dig"])!

No, this clueless one-time English major utterly failed to explain what a DST is, how one's performed, or what results can be expected. Instead, his readers were treated to bushwa about robots, plastic pipe, and water-well drilling. No wonder Tatum's been invited back for yet another Dumbass of the Day award ceremony!

SI - OIL