A Dummy Explains Gypsum for Ponds - The Freelance Files MMCXCIX

Gypsum for clarifying water

Few of our nominations are for a more pathetic example of freelancing that those in which someone provides an uneducated answer to a truly stupid question. We see those every once in a while, however, and we're more than happy to share them with our readers so that you can ridicule the authors yourself. So, without further ado, let's take a look at "Putting Sheetrock in a Pond to Seal It," now appearing at Leaf Group's HomeSteady.com courtesy of self-styled business guru and sometime insurance agent Charmayne Smith.

We'll start our discussion by pointing out that some anonymous idiot actually thought that a) gypsum used in ponds is for "sealing" them (it's for clearing muddy or cloudy water, dummy)¹ and b), you could use drywall instead of ground gypsum for this maintenance task. Sheesh. What is worse, however, is that eHow.com scraped the query; upon which Smith took those two cockamamie notions and ran with them! And by "ran with them," we mean Charmayne actually said that,

"If you opt to use Sheetrock to seal your pond, try to position the drywall while the pond is mostly free of water."

Really? And should you mud and tape the drywall after it's been "positioned"? –snort– Not content with that inanity, Charmayne next proceeded to intone that one should,

"Be sure that fish and wildlife, such as birds and cattle, do not drink from the pond, as the chemicals in the drywall will contaminate the water."

We'd like to point out that not one of Smith's three references (none of which is still extant) says a single word about using gypsum as a sealant, much less using sheets of drywall. We'll note that one reference mentions using ground drywall as an agricultural amendment, but that has squat to do with ponds (that's where she got the "contaminate" information, though). Perhaps had Charmayne not rendered a reference titled "Clearing Muddy Ponds" as "Cleary Muddy Ponds" she might have understood the purpose. This, however, is the same freelancer who blithely told us that, 

"You can find gypsum in home improvement stores and nurseries in its pure form, and it is often less expensive than drywall."

Well, we looked at Lowes online, and a 25-pound bag of gypsum costs about $14.00 while a 4-by-8 sheet of half-inch drywall, weight about 57 pounds, will set you back about nine bucks: "less expensive"? We think not. Or how about this scientific illiteracy:

"Gypsum, mined from the earth, is an extremely porous mineral with a naturally neutral pH balance. When saturated, the gypsum wallboard material can settle into place within the pond with little, if any, movement."

Ummm, Charmayne? Minerals aren't "porous." And as for "naturally neutral pH balance," that means exactly nothing. When it comes to "settle into place," well, that's a bizarre notion: you add gypsum to pond water with the intention of dissolving the stuff! Then again, we didn't really expect a Dumbass of the Day with zero knowledge of ponds, hydrology, mineralogy, or chemistry to be able to answer a nonsensical question... in the first place.

¹ You use clays, such as bentonite, or even a plastic liner to seal the bottom of a leaky pond. Gypsum won't do it.

DD - HYDROLOGY